I’m a fucking loser. I’m doing nothing. I’ve accomplished nothing. I’m just going to give up. Quit everything. Nothing is working. You judg
I have a messy head. Literally, and figuratively lol. I have dry, itchy, flaky scalp that I've been picking on for this past week, and I also have A LOT of thoughts running through my head. Seriously, doesn't it stop? God. Most of my thoughts, aren't good. There's a lot of negative talk, putting down, beating up. I feel satisfaction when I've done work or something, and sometimes feel proud, but I don't think about it long enough. Or I don't think it at all. Like I've just finished Al Khayr's landing page and uploaded it to staging. And I feel relieved, satisfied. But I don't give any thought to it after that. I should, shouldn't I? Some athlete said he doesn't listen to himself talk, he TALKS to himself instead. Because the voices in our heads are really mean. They just find the worst in you. I know why I don't post pictures of myself. Or what I do. It's not because I'm shy or I think it's a waste of time. I just don't want people to know the current state I'm in. I let people come up with their assumption about my life. I just give them the vibe that I have my shit together. But that's so phony! That's why I hate myself more. That's why I don't get things done (reach my goals). Because I'm too embarrassed to admit to people (or myself?) that I'm still far away from my goal. That I'm NOWHERE near my goal. I want to stop using my mom's money. I want to pay her back. I want to buy new clothes for my kids, sign them up for activities. See when I write that, I feel sad and contracted and stiff. I feel sorry for myself when I write it. How am I supposed to attract more money if I'm giving the vibe that I don't deserve it? That I'm desperate for it? Longing. I know I THINK I deserve more money, but my body is giving out an opposite vibe. It all starts with a thought, so let's find the thought. T:
Why does everyday I feel like I’m not doing anything? Or I don’t do enough? T: I didn’t do anything today F: Restless, irritated. Disappointin
I guess I know why I don’t talk much with Syam. As in, I’m not doing most of the talking. Because he incapable of understanding. Dia rasa mcm aku nak attack dia je, and makes decisions all reactively. And it makes me more quiet and not wanting to talk to him.
So I joined the BNI group. Privilege, Puchong branch. But I'm not excited about it now. It's not just with BNI; it's with other things as well. It's like... I feel excited at the moment, and when it passes, it's like, meh. When I remember it back, it doesn't feel as exciting anymore. It just feels like any other uneventful moment in my life. For example the woodworking class, the PACE business network. I definitely learn something from those classes, but I couldn't recreate the feeling of 'excited-ness' from that moment. Is that normal? How can I feel the sense of excitement going to EuroTrip? Switzerland? I actually, I don't. I don't feel a sense of excitement when I look through photos of our EuroTrip. I felt a sense of longing. Of wanting to go back. I guess it really just about my thoughts of it. I thought Switzerland was beautiful and pictured myself seeing the view every day. So the feeling I had was to miss it and to want to go back. I even feel it now as I type. Ok, what about BNI then? I can think of a few reasons why I'm not excited. Because it starts at 6:30 am, all the way in Puchong, I have a small baby, and they're like 85% Chinese, 14.9% Indian and 2 Malays. Lol. I guess I have that reservation, would I actually get business from them? I might need to do a model on this. But how ah? What do I want to achieve? I want to feel excited and looking forward to mingle and meet new people. I want to be confident introducing myself and my company to other people. I want to be better at explaining what I do. And from all of that, I would like to get feedback on how to improve myself and also get new businesses. So there's the model.