RMO Day 32

I started the morning a bit differently. I stretched, made myself breakfast & coffee and sat outside eating and staring at the trees. Then only I started to journal. I have to say, it does calm my heart and clear my thoughts a bit. Maybe because my stomach's not empty or the serenity - no kids running and yelling, no dogs barking, just the morning sun and chirping birds. I realise that I want to feel slightly happy or good at everywhere I look. Like, if I look at the table, I want to feel good because it's not cluttered. If I look in the fridge, I want to feel good because I see my cakes and the thought that I'd be able to enjoy it later. I feel like I don't want to just tolerate anymore. For example, my mom's hoarding stuff in the guest bedroom. I don't want to just tolerate the amount of mess and let it be, I want to do something about it. The pile of clothes I wanted to donate but never gave away, I tolerated the space it took. I don't want to do that anymore. I want to look at ALL my kids and feel happy/good/slightly better. I have projects that I started, and then abandon. And then feel resentful and resistant when I "want" to pick up where I left off and start again. Then I give up and try to start fresh, and then abandon it again. I don't know why I do that. I can spend a lot of time trying to figure out why I'm like that, OR I can spend time focusing on