Blog Archive

Over-promising
So... I realised this morning that I have a habit of over-promising (& not delivering), probably not being able to say no (not on the spot) when it comes to "clients". It's biting me back now. How the fuck am I supposed to finish everything this week? (read: this Wednesday) It's me... not wanting to look bad. That's the one issue/insecurity I struggle with. Because if I don't do it, or if I feel like I look bad, I'd hide from everyone. I guess that's my introverted side? I wonder how I can say no, to the people I know. Like Rajini, Rooban, (somehow they're all Indians). No, actually even better - I wonder how I say no to them, and I wonder how to actually finish the job on time when I've said yes.

Expansion fear
I'm scared. I feel contracted in my chest. I'm scared. I'm scared that things don't work out. I'm scared it'll fuck up and bite us. I'm scared that we go in head first and then tak jadi and we'll suffer losses. I'm scared we don't have a backup plan. Or savings if shit hits the fan. It's definitely good that we're getting more revenue, but I'm scared. Of the expansion. The growth. Should I consult Mr Nara? But why? Assurance? To tell me what to do? Because I definitely don't know what to do. I think I know what to do, but I'm scared it'll fuck me over. I feel like I wanna talk to my mom. Tapi takut kena marah ngn dia plak. wahhahahah problem problem. But i think i do need to talk to her. The business is expanding, which is great, i think. But I'm not ready? I'm completely not ready. Suddenly I need to hire 3-4 RANDO people. AND MANAGE THEM?!? That's scary. I'm listing down people to call to ask for help. But what help?!? Do I call Vas? To calm down? Omg. Instead of feeling excited, I got anxious and scared and just shut off. My crippling thoughts are:

    Office dilemma
    Hey. So I notice that I'm not really in a good place right now. Signs are: I feel tired and sleepy, but I can't nap. I'm hungry, but I feel too tired

    value = money
    I remember thinking something yesterday night. Let me recall. Oh I think it's about how I determine my salary by my value. By the value I provide? Som

    I’m scared, but let’s do it anyway
    Well, I've finished 24 pieces of the 9x5 and 8x4 bags. It's time to do the content: social media and website. It's time to do the thinking part. I suddenly feel kind of lost. Before this there's this thinking where I need to keep sewing. Then now it's done, and I need to start the thinking part. I feel uncomfortable. Honestly, I feel like telling myself nonsense and self-assaulting, but I'm trying not to. But I shouldn't. I should let it come. Let it flow through me. So, what are the thoughts?

      Side hustle doubts
      Today is Syam's birthday. Yesterday, if I'm not mistaken, I was questioning my whole Figment project. It's come up for a while actually. When I'm s

      RMO Day 42

      I’m disappointed that my husband is still not awake yet. Literally and mentally. He’s still sleeping. I don’t think he understands what it is to be a parent. It’s not just about changing their diapers and bagi makan and send them to school. It’s also about giving them a sense of security, teach them life skills, set good examples (like wake up early, pray, and all that). It’s sad that we’re having a fifth kid and he’s still not realising it. And if I want to talk about current situation, he’s like, “What’s wrong with it?”

      RMO Day 37
      Woke up, made myself nasi goreng. I should've let the ingredients to cook for a while longer, added more cili padi and put a little less oyster sauce, but other than that, I'm proud of myself. It seems like I have no thoughts to pour out,

      RMO Day 33
      I'm not noticing any thoughts other than I'm surprised I'm not hungry. I'm in a neutral state now, my mood is not high or low. My thoughts are neither negative or positive. I want to send Maryam's manual over today. I want to finish designing my blog. I want to do case studies for 7thlumen. I don't want to do the PT marketing webinar. Why?

        RMO Day 30
        Do I care if 7thlumen grows? Am I OK with just 1 client, as long as ada duit masuk? Or do I just care about I, myself, getting RM15,000 income? Time to be truthful about myself. BRB, make coffee first. I don’t know how to approach this. Before I could even answer something, another thought comes and another feeling comes then another question comes up, then I make a decision, and then I feel something else, and it’s all under… 10 seconds???? The mind is a crazy thing. I know that I want money. I can feel it in my body, flowing through my fingers as I’m typing this. I know I’ll have it. The question is, how to get it. But,