So... I realised this morning that I have a habit of over-promising (& not delivering), probably not being able to say no (not on the spot) when it comes to "clients". It's biting me back now. How the fuck am I supposed to finish everything this week? (read: this Wednesday) It's me... not wanting to look bad. That's the one issue/insecurity I struggle with. Because if I don't do it, or if I feel like I look bad, I'd hide from everyone. I guess that's my introverted side? I wonder how I can say no, to the people I know. Like Rajini, Rooban, (somehow they're all Indians). No, actually even better - I wonder how I say no to them, and I wonder how to actually finish the job on time when I've said yes.

Time blindness?

I  know I should slow down, but my head cannot get past finishing up My Runciit. Not slow down relax relax, but slow down to see the overall plan. To

No helpers tomorrow

I've been really caught up with work lately. Even pagi ni pun aku nak buat kerja when I could, and really should journal. Hm So many feelings, that it just becomes one big ball. I'm questioning a lot of things, one of it is- was it a bad thing to leave BNI? I feel the left out feeling suddenly. Feel rejected. Suddenly. I feel like it's not fair to them pula I leave suddenly. Lol. Am I having an attack? Possibly. I'm having trouble breathing smoothly. I'm trying to distract myself with other things than journalling. Well, at least Nani dah bangun to make breakfast. Tomorrow will be my turn. And the next day, and the next and onwards. Tomorrow will see how I handle/react/manage the kids in the morning with breakfast (two separate times) and mandi as well. Can I bring this monitor to work? I like it. It's huge. I should go wake them up. Tonight I will sleep early. In fact, I have to sleep early. If I want a bit of "me time" like this, I'd have to wake up at 5am.


    Nak berak la plak. Maybe the Steam deck is not such a bad idea. Ok dah settle berak alhamdulillah. I realise I needed to journal a while back. But I didn't because I found other distractions (eg: main WoW balik. And I downloaded Overwatch too lol). But this morning, even WoW feels boring and serves no purpose to me, so here I am. Trying to journal. I'll probably go back to playing games after this, lol. There are things that I want to do for the company but I haven't yet. It is my fault, I procrastinated. Am I blaming myself? No. A bit. Lol. Does it make me feel like a failure? I have to admit, it does a bit. Maybe that's why I'm delaying the tasks even MORE. I mean, seriously, should it have taken the whole 5-6 hours to do Myrunciit's changes? No. I really did take my time. What's wrong? What's going on? Do I really want to know? No, not really. I don't really want to know why or care. I want to move on. I want to do it at the office. And rest when I get back. So today, I have a meeting with Rowan. I really want to wrap this up, send it for print, no more changes. If possible, I want to do it today. Actually no, I'll finish it today - the cover page edit, back page & FA it for print. But before that, I have to add the unit measurements for MyRunciit. Watch RCK AJL while having lunch/brunch. ESI, finish it today. Recap:

      Expansion fear

      I'm scared. I feel contracted in my chest. I'm scared. I'm scared that things don't work out. I'm scared it'll fuck up and bite us. I'm scared that we go in head first and then tak jadi and we'll suffer losses. I'm scared we don't have a backup plan. Or savings if shit hits the fan. It's definitely good that we're getting more revenue, but I'm scared. Of the expansion. The growth. Should I consult Mr Nara? But why? Assurance? To tell me what to do? Because I definitely don't know what to do. I think I know what to do, but I'm scared it'll fuck me over. I feel like I wanna talk to my mom. Tapi takut kena marah ngn dia plak. wahhahahah problem problem. But i think i do need to talk to her. The business is expanding, which is great, i think. But I'm not ready? I'm completely not ready. Suddenly I need to hire 3-4 RANDO people. AND MANAGE THEM?!? That's scary. I'm listing down people to call to ask for help. But what help?!? Do I call Vas? To calm down? Omg. Instead of feeling excited, I got anxious and scared and just shut off. My crippling thoughts are:

        Night thoughts

        Suddenly aku rasa overwhelmed and the feeling of not being good enough came up. I was crocheting, and thinking about the tonton proposal, then I thoug

        LoA-ing a house

        It's been 2 days since I last journaled. I think that's a good improvement, considering I've been skipping 5-7 days on average. I would like to make i

        I wonder

        There are things that I need to think about, that I need to sort out, but I'm refusing to. Kenapa? Tak tau. Sebab aku rasa serabut. I can literally fe


        Hi. Good morning. It's 7:30am. I wanted to wake up earlier, but I guess this is OK. Given lately that my body hurts. Lenguh. Maybe sebab tak exercise

        The Endless Loop

        I woke up this morning, before the kids are up. That's quite rare nowadays. I was actually a bit sleepy, but I didn't want to go back to sleep. Som