I'm scared. I feel contracted in my chest. I'm scared. I'm scared that things don't work out. I'm scared it'll fuck up and bite us. I'm scared that we go in head first and then tak jadi and we'll suffer losses. I'm scared we don't have a backup plan. Or savings if shit hits the fan. It's definitely good that we're getting more revenue, but I'm scared. Of the expansion. The growth. Should I consult Mr Nara? But why? Assurance? To tell me what to do? Because I definitely don't know what to do. I think I know what to do, but I'm scared it'll fuck me over. I feel like I wanna talk to my mom. Tapi takut kena marah ngn dia plak. wahhahahah problem problem. But i think i do need to talk to her. The business is expanding, which is great, i think. But I'm not ready? I'm completely not ready. Suddenly I need to hire 3-4 RANDO people. AND MANAGE THEM?!? That's scary. I'm listing down people to call to ask for help. But what help?!? Do I call Vas? To calm down? Omg. Instead of feeling excited, I got anxious and scared and just shut off. My crippling thoughts are:
Aku bangun pagi ni, mood tak elok sikit. I guess it was my own fault for going through social media & WhatsApp messages the first thing when I wak
I don't feel too good. I feel depressed. I feel down. I feel like giving in. I feel angry. I feel disappointed. I feel being let down. I'm angry with
Today is my birthday. And I immediately cry after writing that. I don't know why. And almost immediately as well, I tell myself to stop it. I di
Ok, I have work to do. But I'm not really in the mood. Maybe because I'm tired. I'm sleepy, but Aufa hasn't been napping long enough for me to nap or
MCO 3.0 is extended for another 2 weeks, which sucks. I was looking forward to getting my head in the game while the kids are away. That's not happeni
Journaling really does help me in a lot of ways. Keeping my emotions in check, my thoughts in check. Helps me find solutions or understand something better. Understanding myself better. And I'm really grateful that I could stop, and notice when I'm not in a good place and try to do something about it. Like now, my kids are all taking naps and I could either also take a nap or work on the pending stuff that I have, but I chose not to. I'm not that sleepy, which is why I didn't take the nap. But I am hesitating to do work, like design work. Whenever I want to start work on a design job, I have all these sorts of "protocols" or rules or information that I need in order for me to start. And even when I have those ready, I'd still find something else to question, which delays the starting of the job. I don't know why I do this. I know a part of me thinks that I can't design. Because I think I want to do a certain design, but then it doesn't come out as I imagined. Or I'd find a reference (or not) and I'd still am not able to replicate it. The thing is, do I want to do design? Am I forcing myself to do design? Well, yes I am. Because Syam won't do the small projects. Now, I've decided to stop taking new projects and work on existing clients & updating 7thlumen's stuff. But there are small design projects from before that I still need to finish. And I don't know. I just want to get it done. So, I don't think there's really an issue of getting me hyped up to work on it. The problem is getting me to STAY on it, to keep working on it. To not second guess myself and just get it done. Not to entertain "new" ideas while I'm working on the initial one (or not even started yet). Not entertaining, "Oh, what if you do it like this? I think it'll look better". Then I'll start working on it, and 10 minutes later, "oh, that's not going to work. Let's try another layout." It's frustrating. So let's apply The Model here. Current: R: Not getting anything done A: Keep changing ideas F: Insecure T: This is not good enough C: I have 3 Avisol flyers due I need to get out of that loop. So I need come in at the T line, and change my thought. What is the RESULT I want to have? What is the obstacle I'm facing? Too many "ideas". Let's reverse engineer this.
I supposed I'm feeling torn? I'm not sure if it's because of MCO or memang aku macam ni, haha. Like, aku nak berkawan? Entah weh. Aku tak tau macam mana aku nak explain. Like a few months back, when I just "joined" in the WoW group, memang aku macam nak sentiasa dengan diorang. I guess sebab kawan-kawan baru, and sebab aku pun tak de nak pergi mana-mana? I don't know. I mean, boleh je pergi jumpa budak2 BNI kan, but I liked playing games with them sebab gelak-gelak. And then now I'm slowly macam, torn jugak, between going online / "tunjuk muka" and not online so much? Adui, aku pun tak faham. Basically aku rasa macam nak main sorang-sorang jer. I know I cannot ikut rentak diorang. And initially I wanted to. Eventually I come to my senses that aku ada anak-anak & business to run, so I can't online all the time like they do. And to be honest, do I want to go down that route? I'm 35 now, and they all are about my age too. Some are married, some are not. Like now, I don't really give a shit my DPS tak high ke apa, because I don't have the luxury to farm like they do, and frankly, I don't want too. I've lived that life before in my uni years. And aku nak ke giving priority to the game more than my kids? I don't. So, what's this rant for? Oh I got nasi goreng. I think sebab maybe I realise that I'm not one of them, and I may have stepped some boundaries. There are probably jokes that I can't or have the permission to make yet, because, aku "baru". Well, I supposed I want to feel like a part of the "team". But, team apa pun aku tatau lah kan. Hahaha. I can't and shouldn't expect them to invite me to dungeons and Torghast and stuff, because, I'm not there "long enough", I suppose. Nak masuk Lagenda ah. Hahaha. So... purpose of this rant? I think just me justifying / validating my thoughts and feelings. And at the same time trying to come up with a solution/outcome. I guess my outcome will be...
I think I feel empty, I'm tricking myself into thinking I don't feel anything. When it's actually the opposite. I have a lot of emotions that I don't
Sometimes, ada bagusnya rasa out of place or rasa like you don't belong. Because then it'll get me to do stuff on my own. But I supposed that also