Random marah

Aku rasa marah. Marah dengan keadaan sekeliling. And aku tak nak berdepan dengan rasa marah ni, aku nak distract diri. Main game on phone, bukak tiktok, now nak main game on laptop. So funny. Aku sebelum ni nak duit banyak dalam bank account. Sekarang, alhamdulillah, belum hujung bulan lagi, still more than half of my salary in the account. I thought I'd feel, happy? Tapi tak de pun. Rasa macam biasa je. Tak tau nak beli apa jugak haha. But now that aku tengok balik, I do feel glad a bit, calm a bit. Knowing ada backup. So if I didn't use the money by the end of the month, I'll put it in ASB lah. I feel mentally tired la. And it affects me physically as well. Rasa nak tidur je. Maybe sebab aku tak address the emotions I'm feeling. I've stopped doing the List of Positive Things as well, I might as well list it down here.

    The endless void

    How do I get out of this rut? This loop of feeling empty. I'm not sure if it's dangerous to be left alone with my thoughts or is it a good thing. A


    Aku nak mengadu je lah. Badan aku sakit. Lenguh sangat. From bahu to my ankles. Aku tak jumpa pulak wayar nak charge bantal panas ni. Kalau tak bol

    Where the fuck is my money

    I didn't journal this morning. I watched Jim Kwik's MindValley masterclass intro video, then the kids got up. But now that I'm wide awake, I want t

    RMO Day 42

    I’m disappointed that my husband is still not awake yet. Literally and mentally. He’s still sleeping. I don’t think he understands what it is to be a parent. It’s not just about changing their diapers and bagi makan and send them to school. It’s also about giving them a sense of security, teach them life skills, set good examples (like wake up early, pray, and all that). It’s sad that we’re having a fifth kid and he’s still not realising it. And if I want to talk about current situation, he’s like, “What’s wrong with it?”

    RMO Day 39

    Second day puasa. I'm feeling, like, neutral and fake positive? I've a lot of thoughts dah since waking up, of course. Since I don't know what to t

    RMO Day 35

    I know I'm super late on this, but I've just started watching Queer Eye on Netflix. I thought it was like RuPaul, that was one reason why I didn't watch it. But now that I've started watching, I really enjoyed the show, and there are so many things to learn from it. It's wisdom, real, truth presented in a light-hearted, entertaining way. Look pass the gayness and the before and after and you see real truth bombs there. So the things that I learnt and actually picked up from them:

      RMO Day 21

      I wanted to do this after my exercise, but let’s just do it anyway.

      I realise that I’m still thinking of the how. What I mean is, when I look back at my past journal entries, it’s about LOA. I try to feel good to attract good things.