Blog Archive

H ey ya, how are you? I have not been journaling for a long time. A month. Neither have I had any therapy sessions with Vasos. I don't feel like there's a need to do a session yet, but I think journaling is a long time coming. Nothing necessarily wrong. It's CMCO again, the schools are closed and routine is a getting... chaotic. There's no sense of boundary between work and personal life. I feel tired easily and also feel overwhelmed easily. Which then leads me to feel like not doing anything because I don't know where to start and then me feeling guilty not doing anything. Even though I have a to-do list, I don't seem to have the energy or will, even, to do it. I should probably try to do a schedule, I suppose? Let's see:

Woke up at 5 something today, sebab kancheong for today's BNI meeting. I'm reading the BNI overview today, so eyes are going to be on me. I want to look presentable instead of my usual no make up belum mandi face lol. The last 2 sentences above was actually going to start with "I have to". But then I changed to "I want to", and to something present. "I have to" sound like I'm being forced, when I could have said "no" when they asked me to read it. But I said "yes", and I didn't feel pressured. "I have to" takes the power that I have of being in control. "I want to" feels more free. I'm doing this, because I want to. And it's true. I don't have to wake up early today and get ready with make up and all. I could have just gone like I how I was every week. But I wanted to be presentable, I wanted to be ready. It was my choice, and I feel proud to have done it. Even as I'm typing now, I feel lighter. Just changing "have to" to "want to" made me lighter. Let's take this further.

I didn't really get a sound night's sleep yesterday. I keep waking up a few times, and Syam did too, maybe because of Fariz. He wasn't sleeping well either. I think I'm also excited about the car? We're going to pick out which one today. Maybe it's also because I didn't finish the BOD poster? Possibly. All I know is I didn't sleep through the night. Ugh bulu ketiak dah tumbuh, nak kena cabut. Well, I guess I'll do it during the weekend. Yesterday, I tried sticking to my calendar. It was a bit hard because I got distracted talking, I mean I didn't account on Tya being in and didn't set time to show her the ropes and stuff. But then I didn't have to do Tyller's keynote. Then the email to Hema took a while to write. Took me about 30 minutes to 1 hour maybe?? Then the adhoc changes to Akademi AlKhayr website. I need to tell her that she has to pay for the changes and updates, because there wasn't any maintenance agreement between us. Was it a productive day overall? Yeah, I guess I could say so. I did do the showcase poster, sent the quilts to dry cleaning, sent the email, did ICM edit, the Merdeka virtual background, Akademi Al Khayr website update. I didn't get to do Apaka and the BOD poster. I think I'm just not entirely satisfied that I didn't get to do exactly as what I had put in the calendar. But then, that's life la kan? I mean, it's not like I didn't do anything at all yesterday. It's not like I purposely skipped stuff because I felt lazy. I just needed more practice to honour my relationship with time & myself.

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