RMO Day 74

Ok, so I'm JUST starting to have feelings of self-doubt, random sorrow, my normal bouts of emotion. Hmm, maybe it's just meant to happen every 2 - 3 w

RMO Day 49

So I have this BNI Marketing webinar we'll be doing, it's this Saturday. It's happening, so it's too late for me to back out or anything, unless some really urgent emergency happens. I don't know what to do? But now I'm trying a different approach to my thinking, rather than saying I don't know, or whatever with a negative word in it, I try to make it sound solvable. Instead of "I don't know what to put out?", I say, "what can I put out?". So it gets the brain going, although not necessarily will be getting the answer straight away. It makes my brain open rather than shut it off and not think about it. Plus it makes me feel better too, even though I hesitate doing it. Heh.

RMO Day 47

Holy crap, it's been 47 days. It's already May. Time goes by SO quickly. I can feel myself going down the spiral of "not doing anything" and I'm pulling the feelings of regret, guilt and anger with it. But, stop. Good job, Dayana, for noticing it. You didn't not do anything. You knitted, you sorted the LEGOs, you started on the sales interaction map, you sketched, you assembled the trampoline, you attended BNI meetings, you had therapy sessions, you cooked, you made cupcakes, you made steak, you've perfected your Maggi game, you started watching branding course, you journaled, you list positive things that happened to your life, you watched movies and series, you played games, you relived your youth, your kids spend time with you, you folded underwear, took care of the house a bit more than you used to, you napped, you relaxed. You did a lot of things. But you just feel like you need to "work". Coach pressuring you to work, BNI members pressuring you to work. That's a lie. They were talking about work and business, so you feel pressured to also show interest in work, when all you really want is to just not think about work. Or is it I'm lazy? Oh, God. Why do I do this to myself? Why do I think and feel so much? Why can't I just schedule my calendar, and actually stick to it? Ok, I have to change that sentence. Even Brooke says she feels resistance before starting something she planned, so she scheduled a slot for the resisting. I should also do that. And let's try to restructure the sentence, "Why can't I just do whatever that's on my calendar?" to "I have no problem honouring and following through on my time I set the calendar".

    RMO Day 35

    I know I'm super late on this, but I've just started watching Queer Eye on Netflix. I thought it was like RuPaul, that was one reason why I didn't watch it. But now that I've started watching, I really enjoyed the show, and there are so many things to learn from it. It's wisdom, real, truth presented in a light-hearted, entertaining way. Look pass the gayness and the before and after and you see real truth bombs there. So the things that I learnt and actually picked up from them:

      RMO Day 34

      How am I feeling today? I woke up, did stretching, mandi. While showering I remembered I have to get back to Ash on which CG Relief Package I want to take. Syam said let's take the first one, which means our contract will be extended to September + 42 RMO days = October 2020. Then I thought, oh, I guess we can plan for September. Then I started thinking about the sewing machine & where to get that money. Then there was a bunch of thoughts - exercising, yoga for pregnant women, what to eat today. And then now I'm thinking about what to do today? My neighbour certainly doesn't fucking care this whole residential area is not supposed to go out. I keep thinking that I want to take responsibility about stuff. I want to be more responsible of my income, and that me to thinking, where is my income coming from? I'm starting to realise that maybe I don't feel like 7thlumen is mine. I don't have that drive that I used to have when I do Frontend Dev. Or maybe, I do feel it's mine, so that's why it's easier to slack off. When I was in Tribal & Antics, I was working with someone, and there was this need to be better than everyone else - because of salary (possibility of increment), because of recognition. But 7thlumen is my own baby, so it's fine if I fuck up. No one's going to know. They think I'm doing well. Crap, this is about me not fully feeling that I'm worth it. Is it? I'm making excuses for myself. And I'm thinking, it's fine. What about when I was with Billplz? I was ok, when I was just doing the coding. Then I had to do the web designs, and that's when I start questioning myself. There are times when I like doing designs, and I would be proud of it. But most of the time, I don't. Why is that? I like coding, I like knitting, I like doodling. I used to a lot of vexel & vector art, and enjoy it. I like coming up with designs for pouch. I like to be in the process? But designing websites or poster is also a process, so how come I'm selective? At Billplz I was doing the same thing. At Loki? It wasn't inspiring or challenging. Maybe that's my problem. I want something that's "inspiring", "big", "challenging", and then I chicken out. Hmm..

      RMO Day 32

      I started the morning a bit differently. I stretched, made myself breakfast & coffee and sat outside eating and staring at the trees. Then only I started to journal. I have to say, it does calm my heart and clear my thoughts a bit. Maybe because my stomach's not empty or the serenity - no kids running and yelling, no dogs barking, just the morning sun and chirping birds. I realise that I want to feel slightly happy or good at everywhere I look. Like, if I look at the table, I want to feel good because it's not cluttered. If I look in the fridge, I want to feel good because I see my cakes and the thought that I'd be able to enjoy it later. I feel like I don't want to just tolerate anymore. For example, my mom's hoarding stuff in the guest bedroom. I don't want to just tolerate the amount of mess and let it be, I want to do something about it. The pile of clothes I wanted to donate but never gave away, I tolerated the space it took. I don't want to do that anymore. I want to look at ALL my kids and feel happy/good/slightly better. I have projects that I started, and then abandon. And then feel resentful and resistant when I "want" to pick up where I left off and start again. Then I give up and try to start fresh, and then abandon it again. I don't know why I do that. I can spend a lot of time trying to figure out why I'm like that, OR I can spend time focusing on

      RMO Day 31

      I want to prep myself today with positive thoughts & positive feelings. It’s ok to feel up and down throughout the day, as long as I remember that my purpose for today is to be in high vibration. And to start whatever I’m going to do, with a good and happy feeling.

      RMO Day 29

      I’m starting to be motivated. There’s this quote I read about energy, how we can sense when it’s off, shifts or when it’s simply not there.

      RMO Day 28

      What am I feeling now?

      I feel weird. In the tummy. I don’t know if it’s hormonal or… feeling? I think I want to make coffee and go sit outside for a while.

      RMO Day 27

      UH, I FORGOT TO MY LIST OF POSITIVE THINGS YESTERDAY. Ok, quick recap:
      • Had a tonne of food
      • Had sushi, delish
      • Have Netflix to binge watch Brooklyn 9-9 on