Thoughts on thoughts

I have a messy head. Literally, and figuratively lol. I have dry, itchy, flaky scalp that I've been picking on for this past week, and I also have A LOT of thoughts running through my head. Seriously, doesn't it stop? God. Most of my thoughts, aren't good. There's a lot of negative talk, putting down, beating up. I feel satisfaction when I've done work or something, and sometimes feel proud, but I don't think about it long enough. Or I don't think it at all. Like I've just finished Al Khayr's landing page and uploaded it to staging. And I feel relieved, satisfied. But I don't give any thought to it after that. I should, shouldn't I? Some athlete said he doesn't listen to himself talk, he TALKS to himself instead. Because the voices in our heads are really mean. They just find the worst in you. I know why I don't post pictures of myself. Or what I do. It's not because I'm shy or I think it's a waste of time. I just don't want people to know the current state I'm in. I let people come up with their assumption about my life. I just give them the vibe that I have my shit together. But that's so phony! That's why I hate myself more. That's why I don't get things done (reach my goals). Because I'm too embarrassed to admit to people (or myself?) that I'm still far away from my goal. That I'm NOWHERE near my goal. I want to stop using my mom's money. I want to pay her back. I want to buy new clothes for my kids, sign them up for activities. See when I write that, I feel sad and contracted and stiff. I feel sorry for myself when I write it. How am I supposed to attract more money if I'm giving the vibe that I don't deserve it? That I'm desperate for it? Longing. I know I THINK I deserve more money, but my body is giving out an opposite vibe. It all starts with a thought, so let's find the thought. T:

I did an emotional decluttering exercise, and here’s what I found

Doing my emotional decluttering step, and I realised my parents are nasty towards me.

I was really hesitant to do this step.’ I didn’t feel it in my bones, like I didn’t feel heavy or lazy to do it, but I was delaying and delaying it. there would always be something more interesting to do or a video to watch on FB. I’ve slowed down FB for this week, but whenever I want to do the emotional decluttering, I would intentionally open FB to see what’s new (nothing. It’s 6am).

Today is my 30th birthday.

Today is my 30th birthday. I had disabled my birthday notification on my Facebook account, because I wanted to see who remembered my birthday. Well, actually I wanted to see if my husband remembers my birthday, because when the date "30th" was mentioned (numerous times) between him and his mother, it doesn't seem to ring any bell to him. So, as of 10:58 am today, only four people had wished me. Those people are (in order) - Tya, Shaii (surprisingly), Cellene and Kerina. So I will make a mental note to remember these kind people's birthdays. And wish them.