Bila aku tengok balik diri aku ni, macam banyak je benda yang aku nak buat. Sampai aku serabut, tak tahu nak buat mana satu dulu. So in the end, semua pun stuck kat 1 level. Aku ni ...
I'm in that void/loop again. Void = empty feeling. Loop = back the same thoughts. I realise that I want a house, but I'm sort of expecting Syam to
H ey ya, how are you? I have not been journaling for a long time. A month. Neither have I had any therapy sessions with Vasos. I don't feel like there's a need to do a session yet, but I think journaling is a long time coming. Nothing necessarily wrong. It's CMCO again, the schools are closed and routine is a getting... chaotic. There's no sense of boundary between work and personal life. I feel tired easily and also feel overwhelmed easily. Which then leads me to feel like not doing anything because I don't know where to start and then me feeling guilty not doing anything. Even though I have a to-do list, I don't seem to have the energy or will, even, to do it. I should probably try to do a schedule, I suppose? Let's see:
Hello. Oh yeah I have stuff to talk about. Just a while ago I was wondering that to write. So yesterday I had 2 new client prospects, both from BNI. One wants to do a personal branding and another wants to do branding for his restaurant. While I'm glad for both this opportunities, I am also worried.
Good morning. I'm still sleepy, not 100% awake. But I still want to do this. Today is a new day. I have work to do. I'm having a 121 session with Qisha, then I'm pretty much free to do what I want. I want to do Apaka brand book and Avisol's flyers. I also want to renew my BNI membership and also renew Syam's BoC membership. Oh! My Stranger Things LEGO is sprawling on the table, not complete yet. I guess I'll do that before my 121 session. Oh don't forget to bring a jacket as well. It's been bloody cold. And then, oh we have "booked" our breakfast lol. And um send Tony a picture of the broken drawer. Mama will be away until Wednesday, so Faiz will go to Tadika. Oh, scan the Jeep's cover letter. Bring iPad ok. Ok, so far so good. Let me go put these stuff in my calendar then I'll come back.
Woke up at 5 something today, sebab kancheong for today's BNI meeting. I'm reading the BNI overview today, so eyes are going to be on me. I want to look presentable instead of my usual no make up belum mandi face lol. The last 2 sentences above was actually going to start with "I have to". But then I changed to "I want to", and to something present. "I have to" sound like I'm being forced, when I could have said "no" when they asked me to read it. But I said "yes", and I didn't feel pressured. "I have to" takes the power that I have of being in control. "I want to" feels more free. I'm doing this, because I want to. And it's true. I don't have to wake up early today and get ready with make up and all. I could have just gone like I how I was every week. But I wanted to be presentable, I wanted to be ready. It was my choice, and I feel proud to have done it. Even as I'm typing now, I feel lighter. Just changing "have to" to "want to" made me lighter. Let's take this further.
I didn't really get a sound night's sleep yesterday. I keep waking up a few times, and Syam did too, maybe because of Fariz. He wasn't sleeping well either. I think I'm also excited about the car? We're going to pick out which one today. Maybe it's also because I didn't finish the BOD poster? Possibly. All I know is I didn't sleep through the night. Ugh bulu ketiak dah tumbuh, nak kena cabut. Well, I guess I'll do it during the weekend. Yesterday, I tried sticking to my calendar. It was a bit hard because I got distracted talking, I mean I didn't account on Tya being in and didn't set time to show her the ropes and stuff. But then I didn't have to do Tyller's keynote. Then the email to Hema took a while to write. Took me about 30 minutes to 1 hour maybe?? Then the adhoc changes to Akademi AlKhayr website. I need to tell her that she has to pay for the changes and updates, because there wasn't any maintenance agreement between us. Was it a productive day overall? Yeah, I guess I could say so. I did do the showcase poster, sent the quilts to dry cleaning, sent the email, did ICM edit, the Merdeka virtual background, Akademi Al Khayr website update. I didn't get to do Apaka and the BOD poster. I think I'm just not entirely satisfied that I didn't get to do exactly as what I had put in the calendar. But then, that's life la kan? I mean, it's not like I didn't do anything at all yesterday. It's not like I purposely skipped stuff because I felt lazy. I just needed more practice to honour my relationship with time & myself.
Yesterday, on the way getting coffee, Syam introduced a new way of thinking about money that he got from the members from BoC. And it's: Making more money simply because for the sake of having more money. And what you want to do with that money is secondary. Initially I disagreed. But then I agreed. And I also understood maybe why I didn't get the RM25,000 income I'm trying to get. I've always known there's still some blocks even though I've opened up a lot of the ways. It's because I'm
Ok, so I'm JUST starting to have feelings of self-doubt, random sorrow, my normal bouts of emotion. Hmm, maybe it's just meant to happen every 2 - 3 w