H ey ya, how are you? I have not been journaling for a long time. A month. Neither have I had any therapy sessions with Vasos. I don't feel like there's a need to do a session yet, but I think journaling is a long time coming. Nothing necessarily wrong. It's CMCO again, the schools are closed and routine is a getting... chaotic. There's no sense of boundary between work and personal life. I feel tired easily and also feel overwhelmed easily. Which then leads me to feel like not doing anything because I don't know where to start and then me feeling guilty not doing anything. Even though I have a to-do list, I don't seem to have the energy or will, even, to do it. I should probably try to do a schedule, I suppose? Let's see:
Hello. Oh yeah I have stuff to talk about. Just a while ago I was wondering that to write. So yesterday I had 2 new client prospects, both from BNI. One wants to do a personal branding and another wants to do branding for his restaurant. While I'm glad for both this opportunities, I am also worried.
Good morning. I'm still sleepy, not 100% awake. But I still want to do this. Today is a new day. I have work to do. I'm having a 121 session with Qisha, then I'm pretty much free to do what I want. I want to do Apaka brand book and Avisol's flyers. I also want to renew my BNI membership and also renew Syam's BoC membership. Oh! My Stranger Things LEGO is sprawling on the table, not complete yet. I guess I'll do that before my 121 session. Oh don't forget to bring a jacket as well. It's been bloody cold. And then, oh we have "booked" our breakfast lol. And um send Tony a picture of the broken drawer. Mama will be away until Wednesday, so Faiz will go to Tadika. Oh, scan the Jeep's cover letter. Bring iPad ok. Ok, so far so good. Let me go put these stuff in my calendar then I'll come back.
Woke up at 5 something today, sebab kancheong for today's BNI meeting. I'm reading the BNI overview today, so eyes are going to be on me. I want to look presentable instead of my usual no make up belum mandi face lol. The last 2 sentences above was actually going to start with "I have to". But then I changed to "I want to", and to something present. "I have to" sound like I'm being forced, when I could have said "no" when they asked me to read it. But I said "yes", and I didn't feel pressured. "I have to" takes the power that I have of being in control. "I want to" feels more free. I'm doing this, because I want to. And it's true. I don't have to wake up early today and get ready with make up and all. I could have just gone like I how I was every week. But I wanted to be presentable, I wanted to be ready. It was my choice, and I feel proud to have done it. Even as I'm typing now, I feel lighter. Just changing "have to" to "want to" made me lighter. Let's take this further.
I didn't really get a sound night's sleep yesterday. I keep waking up a few times, and Syam did too, maybe because of Fariz. He wasn't sleeping well either. I think I'm also excited about the car? We're going to pick out which one today. Maybe it's also because I didn't finish the BOD poster? Possibly. All I know is I didn't sleep through the night. Ugh bulu ketiak dah tumbuh, nak kena cabut. Well, I guess I'll do it during the weekend. Yesterday, I tried sticking to my calendar. It was a bit hard because I got distracted talking, I mean I didn't account on Tya being in and didn't set time to show her the ropes and stuff. But then I didn't have to do Tyller's keynote. Then the email to Hema took a while to write. Took me about 30 minutes to 1 hour maybe?? Then the adhoc changes to Akademi AlKhayr website. I need to tell her that she has to pay for the changes and updates, because there wasn't any maintenance agreement between us. Was it a productive day overall? Yeah, I guess I could say so. I did do the showcase poster, sent the quilts to dry cleaning, sent the email, did ICM edit, the Merdeka virtual background, Akademi Al Khayr website update. I didn't get to do Apaka and the BOD poster. I think I'm just not entirely satisfied that I didn't get to do exactly as what I had put in the calendar. But then, that's life la kan? I mean, it's not like I didn't do anything at all yesterday. It's not like I purposely skipped stuff because I felt lazy. I just needed more practice to honour my relationship with time & myself.
Yesterday, on the way getting coffee, Syam introduced a new way of thinking about money that he got from the members from BoC. And it's: Making more money simply because for the sake of having more money. And what you want to do with that money is secondary. Initially I disagreed. But then I agreed. And I also understood maybe why I didn't get the RM25,000 income I'm trying to get. I've always known there's still some blocks even though I've opened up a lot of the ways. It's because I'm
Ok, so I'm JUST starting to have feelings of self-doubt, random sorrow, my normal bouts of emotion. Hmm, maybe it's just meant to happen every 2 - 3 w
So I have this BNI Marketing webinar we'll be doing, it's this Saturday. It's happening, so it's too late for me to back out or anything, unless some really urgent emergency happens. I don't know what to do? But now I'm trying a different approach to my thinking, rather than saying I don't know, or whatever with a negative word in it, I try to make it sound solvable. Instead of "I don't know what to put out?", I say, "what can I put out?". So it gets the brain going, although not necessarily will be getting the answer straight away. It makes my brain open rather than shut it off and not think about it. Plus it makes me feel better too, even though I hesitate doing it. Heh.
Holy crap, it's been 47 days. It's already May. Time goes by SO quickly. I can feel myself going down the spiral of "not doing anything" and I'm pulling the feelings of regret, guilt and anger with it. But, stop. Good job, Dayana, for noticing it. You didn't not do anything. You knitted, you sorted the LEGOs, you started on the sales interaction map, you sketched, you assembled the trampoline, you attended BNI meetings, you had therapy sessions, you cooked, you made cupcakes, you made steak, you've perfected your Maggi game, you started watching branding course, you journaled, you list positive things that happened to your life, you watched movies and series, you played games, you relived your youth, your kids spend time with you, you folded underwear, took care of the house a bit more than you used to, you napped, you relaxed. You did a lot of things. But you just feel like you need to "work". Coach pressuring you to work, BNI members pressuring you to work. That's a lie. They were talking about work and business, so you feel pressured to also show interest in work, when all you really want is to just not think about work. Or is it I'm lazy? Oh, God. Why do I do this to myself? Why do I think and feel so much? Why can't I just schedule my calendar, and actually stick to it? Ok, I have to change that sentence. Even Brooke says she feels resistance before starting something she planned, so she scheduled a slot for the resisting. I should also do that. And let's try to restructure the sentence, "Why can't I just do whatever that's on my calendar?" to "I have no problem honouring and following through on my time I set the calendar".