I don't really know how to explain what I'm feeling right now. I don't know if I'm just tired or sleepy. But I feel... almost defeated. Rasa lemah hat
It's been... I wanted to say a shitty start to a new year, but I can't because yesterday was pretty great for me. But the whole week wasn't though. Go
4 days since I last journaled, I have a lot to say. At least I think I do. I have a lot that I thought about, that's for sure. Yesterday Faliq doodled on the dining table, where Syam did his work, with a Sharpie. We didn't even know about it. Mama bising la, of course. Tapi sebab it's Faliq, tak marah sangat lah. These kind of things stresses me out. I don't mind as much when my kids draw on the walls and things, because they're kids. It's bound to happen, we have 5 kids! It's not easy to keep an eye on all of them. (We only have 4 eyes). I truly believe we'll strive better when not in this house. Why?
I know I have access to a lot of money. But why is my income so little? Kenapa aku ambil RM5,000 je bulan-bulan, sedangkan my commitments are way higher than that? Why am I not taking more?
Good morning. I'm starting journaling again, online. I did before on my iPad, but now that school has started again, I find that I don't have enough time to write. And that has been an excuse for me to not journal. So I decided to type. I'm still sleepy. I want to go back to sleep, actually. But Fariz is already awake. He wanted to go up to Mama's room, but Mama is also sleeping. So he's here next to me, on the iPad. My brain is still processing, my eyes are heavy and I'm yawning. But I'm doing this anyway, 15-30 minutes. I have a meeting later today with Mr Tyller from Perak. He wants to do a packaging for his product. I haven't given him the price yet, but Syam says he should be expecting the price because he got our number from someone in Bernas/ERA/Jasmine. Well, maybe, but I really don't think we should be charging the same price for individuals or startups, or non-corporate companies. But yeah, whatever. I'm just going to thought-dump now, rather than thought journal. People are stupid. People on Facebook are stupid. People who write statuses on Facebook are stupid. I usually don't like to dump all of the people together, because I know there are people that are different. But as of this morning, I'm just pissed. And I want to let it out. And these people are in my friends' list. I don't know what the fuck happened, but they seem dumber than before. Than before getting married, having kids. For one, maybe it's because there's she's not working. The other, probably just taking an easy way out. Another just compares themselves to everyone and feels shit all the time, but never would they show it to the public. It's always happy life, perfect marriage, perfect kids with them. Fuck. I hate Facebook. Lol. Love-hate. I don't love it, I need to use it as a platform to advertise and get "up-to-date" with the current trends of my target audience. I prefer Instagram or Tik Tok. They're funnier. Not so much self-righteous, holier-than-thou shit. I'm going to make coffee for a bit. Brb. I made a mistake of going on Facebook for a bit, and I saw my friend replied to my comment. And FUCKING HELL STOP PUTTING EVERYTHING ON FATE. "Rezeki masing2 sis" <-- about me knowing about hypnobirthing and she didn't. Motherfff, you're in the same fucking group as I am. You were presented the SAME access as I did. The difference is I CHOSE to learn it, and you didn't. What the fuck is a normal contraction? Yours is more pain is it? Or is it more weird? How the fuck do you know if your contractions are normal or NOT?? Regularity? It wasn't regular with my 3rd. It's just depending on your fucking pain threshold MY GOD. And that's why hypnobirthing was CREATED. To manage labor pains smh omg I'm ded. I had to ask. HAHAHAHA. FUCK I can't help myself. I had to ask what's wrong with her contractions. In one way to privately diminish her, and in one day to also understand her thinking. And I can bet it's silly. God. Well, I guess it easier, you know. Blame it on fate. "I'm a victim because this thing happened to me and I didn't have it easy like anybody else." FUCK! I'm glad I'm not close to her anymore. Alhamdulillah. Don't need this small kind of mindset. Now I feel a bit bad, but meh. What can you do? Like Vasos said, don't waste your energy on people who don't want to be helped. It's funny, you know. There are people who say they want help, but when you offer them help, it turns out they just want you to agree with them, agree that they're victims. Agree that their life is hard, that their obstacles are unique to them. I guess, let them be. Let God deal with them. They're leaving it all up to fate anyway. God, that's another concept that I don't get. "Everything is written, if Allah made me this way, then this is how I am."
Ok, so I'm JUST starting to have feelings of self-doubt, random sorrow, my normal bouts of emotion. Hmm, maybe it's just meant to happen every 2 - 3 w
I'm not noticing any thoughts other than I'm surprised I'm not hungry. I'm in a neutral state now, my mood is not high or low. My thoughts are neither negative or positive. I want to send Maryam's manual over today. I want to finish designing my blog. I want to do case studies for 7thlumen. I don't want to do the PT marketing webinar. Why?
I feel like there are a ton of things I have to do, want to do and need to do. They are just racing in my head and fighting over which needs more prio
I don't know. I have a proposal to create. I've done this before, but everytime I need to start doing it, I just don't know how to start. Like... I
I guess I know why I don’t talk much with Syam. As in, I’m not doing most of the talking. Because he incapable of understanding. Dia rasa mcm aku nak attack dia je, and makes decisions all reactively. And it makes me more quiet and not wanting to talk to him.