For now, I want to thought download about my kids. Faiz, specifically. I'm not proud that I'm always yelling at him, or push and hit him. I lose my patience really easily with him. And I find it annoying when he talks. He talks a lot, and fast that he needs to repeat his sentences halfway because he can't come up the next word to say. And I find it annoying. Like, just shut up. Be quiet. Stop telling me what your brother did to get him into trouble or to make you feel good about yourself. See, I don't know if that is why he does it. Maybe he just wants to tell me stuff, but I take it the wrong way. I don't know, I just find him annoying. I also don't like it when he comes hugging, I feel like pushing him away. Ugh, I really don't know why. I remember feeling absolute hatred (it was really hard for me to type that, mostly because I'm embarrassed to say it) towards Faiz breastfeeding when I was pregnant with Faiq. Breastfeeding while pregnant is painful, but it's not that. I just hated him latching to me. I wanted to push him away, and a few times, I did. I even slapped him, I think. I feel so bad, but that really was what I felt. I felt angry at him every time he wanted to nurse at night. I can't remember much after Faiq was delivered, I think it was back to normal. But now as he's older, I find that annoying feeling creeping back up. I'm not sure if it's related to my breastfeeding episode or not. I did a model on this, and I
I've kept mum about my 4th pregnancy ever since I found out about it, which I think was about a week or two after we got back from our Europe trip.