I’m a fucking loser. I’m doing nothing. I’ve accomplished nothing. I’m just going to give up. Quit everything. Nothing is working.
How am I feeling today? I woke up, did stretching, mandi. While showering I remembered I have to get back to Ash on which CG Relief Package I want to take. Syam said let's take the first one, which means our contract will be extended to September + 42 RMO days = October 2020. Then I thought, oh, I guess we can plan for September. Then I started thinking about the sewing machine & where to get that money. Then there was a bunch of thoughts - exercising, yoga for pregnant women, what to eat today. And then now I'm thinking about what to do today?
My neighbour certainly doesn't fucking care this whole residential area is not supposed to go out.
I keep thinking that I want to take responsibility about stuff. I want to be more responsible of my income, and that me to thinking, where is my income coming from? I'm starting to realise that maybe I don't feel like 7thlumen is mine. I don't have that drive that I used to have when I do Frontend Dev.
Or maybe, I do feel it's mine, so that's why it's easier to slack off. When I was in Tribal & Antics, I was working with someone, and there was this need to be better than everyone else - because of salary (possibility of increment), because of recognition.
But 7thlumen is my own baby, so it's fine if I fuck up. No one's going to know. They think I'm doing well.
Crap, this is about me not fully feeling that I'm worth it. Is it? I'm making excuses for myself. And I'm thinking, it's fine.
What about when I was with Billplz? I was ok, when I was just doing the coding. Then I had to do the web designs, and that's when I start questioning myself.
There are times when I like doing designs, and I would be proud of it. But most of the time, I don't. Why is that?
I like coding, I like knitting, I like doodling. I used to a lot of vexel & vector art, and enjoy it. I like coming up with designs for pouch. I like to be in the process? But designing websites or poster is also a process, so how come I'm selective?
At Billplz I was doing the same thing. At Loki? It wasn't inspiring or challenging.
Maybe that's my problem. I want something that's "inspiring", "big", "challenging", and then I chicken out. Hmm..
I started the morning a bit differently. I stretched, made myself breakfast & coffee and sat outside eating and staring at the trees. Then only I started to journal. I have to say, it does calm my heart and clear my thoughts a bit. Maybe because my stomach's not empty or the serenity - no kids running and yelling, no dogs barking, just the morning sun and chirping birds.
I realise that I want to feel slightly happy or good at everywhere I look. Like, if I look at the table, I want to feel good because it's not cluttered. If I look in the fridge, I want to feel good because I see my cakes and the thought that I'd be able to enjoy it later. I feel like I don't want to just tolerate anymore. For example, my mom's hoarding stuff in the guest bedroom. I don't want to just tolerate the amount of mess and let it be, I want to do something about it. The pile of clothes I wanted to donate but never gave away, I tolerated the space it took. I don't want to do that anymore.
I want to look at ALL my kids and feel happy/good/slightly better.
I have projects that I started, and then abandon. And then feel resentful and resistant when I "want" to pick up where I left off and start again. Then I give up and try to start fresh, and then abandon it again.
I don't know why I do that. I can spend a lot of time trying to figure out why I'm like that, OR I can spend time focusing on
This is the new normal now. Sure, it might just only be for the next 14 days, (it might be longer), but this IS the situation NOW.
Now somewhere d
Do I care if 7thlumen grows? Am I OK with just 1 client, as long as ada duit masuk? Or do I just care about I, myself, getting RM15,000 income?
Time to be truthful about myself.
BRB, make coffee first.
I don’t know how to approach this. Before I could even answer something, another thought comes and another feeling comes then another question comes up, then I make a decision, and then I feel something else, and it’s all under… 10 seconds????
The mind is a crazy thing.
I know that I want money. I can feel it in my body, flowing through my fingers as I’m typing this. I know I’ll have it. The question is, how to get it.