RMO Day 35

I know I'm super late on this, but I've just started watching Queer Eye on Netflix. I thought it was like RuPaul, that was one reason why I didn't watch it. But now that I've started watching, I really enjoyed the show, and there are so many things to learn from it. It's wisdom, real, truth presented in a light-hearted, entertaining way. Look pass the gayness and the before and after and you see real truth bombs there. So the things that I learnt and actually picked up from them:

    RMO Day 34

    How am I feeling today? I woke up, did stretching, mandi. While showering I remembered I have to get back to Ash on which CG Relief Package I want to take. Syam said let's take the first one, which means our contract will be extended to September + 42 RMO days = October 2020. Then I thought, oh, I guess we can plan for September. Then I started thinking about the sewing machine & where to get that money. Then there was a bunch of thoughts - exercising, yoga for pregnant women, what to eat today. And then now I'm thinking about what to do today? My neighbour certainly doesn't fucking care this whole residential area is not supposed to go out. I keep thinking that I want to take responsibility about stuff. I want to be more responsible of my income, and that me to thinking, where is my income coming from? I'm starting to realise that maybe I don't feel like 7thlumen is mine. I don't have that drive that I used to have when I do Frontend Dev. Or maybe, I do feel it's mine, so that's why it's easier to slack off. When I was in Tribal & Antics, I was working with someone, and there was this need to be better than everyone else - because of salary (possibility of increment), because of recognition. But 7thlumen is my own baby, so it's fine if I fuck up. No one's going to know. They think I'm doing well. Crap, this is about me not fully feeling that I'm worth it. Is it? I'm making excuses for myself. And I'm thinking, it's fine. What about when I was with Billplz? I was ok, when I was just doing the coding. Then I had to do the web designs, and that's when I start questioning myself. There are times when I like doing designs, and I would be proud of it. But most of the time, I don't. Why is that? I like coding, I like knitting, I like doodling. I used to a lot of vexel & vector art, and enjoy it. I like coming up with designs for pouch. I like to be in the process? But designing websites or poster is also a process, so how come I'm selective? At Billplz I was doing the same thing. At Loki? It wasn't inspiring or challenging. Maybe that's my problem. I want something that's "inspiring", "big", "challenging", and then I chicken out. Hmm..

    RMO Day 33

    I'm not noticing any thoughts other than I'm surprised I'm not hungry. I'm in a neutral state now, my mood is not high or low. My thoughts are neither negative or positive. I want to send Maryam's manual over today. I want to finish designing my blog. I want to do case studies for 7thlumen. I don't want to do the PT marketing webinar. Why?

      RMO Day 32

      I started the morning a bit differently. I stretched, made myself breakfast & coffee and sat outside eating and staring at the trees. Then only I started to journal. I have to say, it does calm my heart and clear my thoughts a bit. Maybe because my stomach's not empty or the serenity - no kids running and yelling, no dogs barking, just the morning sun and chirping birds. I realise that I want to feel slightly happy or good at everywhere I look. Like, if I look at the table, I want to feel good because it's not cluttered. If I look in the fridge, I want to feel good because I see my cakes and the thought that I'd be able to enjoy it later. I feel like I don't want to just tolerate anymore. For example, my mom's hoarding stuff in the guest bedroom. I don't want to just tolerate the amount of mess and let it be, I want to do something about it. The pile of clothes I wanted to donate but never gave away, I tolerated the space it took. I don't want to do that anymore. I want to look at ALL my kids and feel happy/good/slightly better. I have projects that I started, and then abandon. And then feel resentful and resistant when I "want" to pick up where I left off and start again. Then I give up and try to start fresh, and then abandon it again. I don't know why I do that. I can spend a lot of time trying to figure out why I'm like that, OR I can spend time focusing on

      RMO Day 31

      I want to prep myself today with positive thoughts & positive feelings. It’s ok to feel up and down throughout the day, as long as I remember that my purpose for today is to be in high vibration. And to start whatever I’m going to do, with a good and happy feeling.

      RMO Day 30

      Do I care if 7thlumen grows? Am I OK with just 1 client, as long as ada duit masuk? Or do I just care about I, myself, getting RM15,000 income? Time to be truthful about myself. BRB, make coffee first. I don’t know how to approach this. Before I could even answer something, another thought comes and another feeling comes then another question comes up, then I make a decision, and then I feel something else, and it’s all under… 10 seconds???? The mind is a crazy thing. I know that I want money. I can feel it in my body, flowing through my fingers as I’m typing this. I know I’ll have it. The question is, how to get it. But,

      RMO Day 29

      I’m starting to be motivated. There’s this quote I read about energy, how we can sense when it’s off, shifts or when it’s simply not there.

      RMO Day 28

      What am I feeling now?

      I feel weird. In the tummy. I don’t know if it’s hormonal or… feeling? I think I want to make coffee and go sit outside for a while.