This is a rare occasion where I'm up in the middle of the night for my own thoughts. Aufa's surprisingly asleep, she slept quite early. And I also got to sleep quite early, around 10-ish. I got myself to wake up because Syam already made me coffee and I didn't want to waste it. Logged in to WoW for a while and now I don't feel like playing anymore, but I don't feel sleepy either, although I know I'd fall asleep easily if I just laid down. I feel kind of empty suddenly. And naturally, I want to fill in that void by trying to get myself to do something "productive". Things like, I should do Figment, or update this blog's layout, do the BNI poster, do Sumayya. Those are just knee-jerk reaction to not feel empty. My first instinct was actually to journal, but my mind' like, "Oh no no, let's do something else." Haih. I feel like my husband's unprepared. I had this thought magnified today, after seeing the house. Of course, I'm comparing other people's achievements (owning a house, standing on their own). And here we are, with 5 kids and still living with my mom in her house and feeling out of control of our own lives. While it's easier to put the blame on him and feel like he's not "doing" what fathers/husbands are SUPPOSED to do, I realise I'm also not prepared. It just dawned on me that we have 5 kids and we're... not, I don't know... not independent? Looking that I'm going to be 35 years old and he's almost 40 years old and still living with my mom (not paying bills, not contributing to groceries), is just... embarrassing. I don't even give my mom money because... I don't have it. I don't know, is starting our own company was a mistake? If I stayed with Billplz, I'd get RM10,000. Probably would be easier to get a loan. To, you know, buy a house and all. Wait, I have RM20,000 that I can use to pay off my credit card. Then I can stop paying RM950 every month. Of course, that's my ASB investment and it may affect my dividend returns. But without paying RM950 every month, it would mean that I can put more in ASB. Or something else, not just ASB. It's something that I need to plan out, but it does give me a glimmer of hope. Hope from what, tak tau, but I do feel a bit better. Like there's a light at the end of the tunnel. I think I have about RM12k more left to pay? Because my available amount to spend is about RM7k. ASB: RM21k Credit card: RM12k+ ASB loan (1 year): RM6.8k Total: RM19k Total saved (1 year): RM18,240 Credit card monthly payments (12 months) + ASB monthly payments (12 months) (950 x 12) + (570 x 12) = (RM11,400 + RM6840) = RM18,240 If I do this, it would mean my ASB investment will be back to square one, but for the whole year, I'll be more financially unburdened and will (hopefully) feel emotionally stable/free. Just need to run the numbers. Now,
So I came across some Tiktoks that got me to rethink my life. Or my feelings.
- Doing something and being good at it. For example, drawing. I don't have to be good at it to enjoy it.
Fuck me. No, it's not an invitation. I am seriously lost. I feel lost, I feel down. I should sleep but I can't or don't want to or not sleepy enoug
H ey ya, how are you? I have not been journaling for a long time. A month. Neither have I had any therapy sessions with Vasos. I don't feel like there's a need to do a session yet, but I think journaling is a long time coming. Nothing necessarily wrong. It's CMCO again, the schools are closed and routine is a getting... chaotic. There's no sense of boundary between work and personal life. I feel tired easily and also feel overwhelmed easily. Which then leads me to feel like not doing anything because I don't know where to start and then me feeling guilty not doing anything. Even though I have a to-do list, I don't seem to have the energy or will, even, to do it. I should probably try to do a schedule, I suppose? Let's see:
I literally just received a Whatsapp message. Someone wants to borrow me money. I don't know how much, because I have not opened the message yet. And frankly, I'm trying my best to avoid opening the message. Out of sight, out of mind kind of thing. I hate, dislike, when people borrow my money. My whole body just tenses up. I don't like it at all. I don't know why. I could probably just dump it all on my dad because he likes to borrow money and be in debt. Or my mom, tak habis-habis bagi orang pinjam duit. Or I don't like the feeling of being used. Or parting with the money, because, I don't expect people to pay me back. If I want to lend people money, I have to be mentally prepared to not get it back. I have to be okay to not get it back. Because seriously, if you had money, would you borrow? I mean, I don't know. If it's business-wise, I probably wouldn't mind. If it's not something that I know happens repeatedly, I probably won't mind? I don't know. I just don't fucking like it. I think it's most likely the feeling of being used. Like, aku senang sangat ke? I mean, yeah, I'm definitely more senang than you are, but you've been in this situation for a
I know I have access to a lot of money. But why is my income so little? Kenapa aku ambil RM5,000 je bulan-bulan, sedangkan my commitments are way higher than that? Why am I not taking more?
Aku nak mengadu je lah. Badan aku sakit. Lenguh sangat. From bahu to my ankles. Aku tak jumpa pulak wayar nak charge bantal panas ni. Kalau tak bol
I haven't created anything for myself, and I think that's sad. I hadn't used my creativity, to do what I want. I've been consuming, and not putting ou
Initially, I didn't think I wanted to journal this early in the morning, but I did my Monday Hour One and my head's functioning pretty well now. So there is something I want to talk about. I have money management issues. I do. I tend to end use up whatever money that I intend to put aside. The Cyberjaya house rental deposits, Figment's remaining investment money, ASB moratorium money, and others. I know and am well aware of the concept to put aside money and don't touch it, but I somehow have not been successful at refraining myself. And the worst part is, I don't realise that I am using that money. And I feel bad. I also feel lost. I don't know how to encounter it. I want to encounter it. But there's this
I didn't journal this morning. I watched Jim Kwik's MindValley masterclass intro video, then the kids got up. But now that I'm wide awake, I want t