Aku rasa marah. Marah dengan keadaan sekeliling. And aku tak nak berdepan dengan rasa marah ni, aku nak distract diri. Main game on phone, bukak tiktok, now nak main game on laptop. So funny. Aku sebelum ni nak duit banyak dalam bank account. Sekarang, alhamdulillah, belum hujung bulan lagi, still more than half of my salary in the account. I thought I'd feel, happy? Tapi tak de pun. Rasa macam biasa je. Tak tau nak beli apa jugak haha. But now that aku tengok balik, I do feel glad a bit, calm a bit. Knowing ada backup. So if I didn't use the money by the end of the month, I'll put it in ASB lah. I feel mentally tired la. And it affects me physically as well. Rasa nak tidur je. Maybe sebab aku tak address the emotions I'm feeling. I've stopped doing the List of Positive Things as well, I might as well list it down here.
Boring nye. Boring nya hidup ni. That's what I thought and what I feel right now, lepas sahur ni. While I'm thinking of what to do waiting for Subuh.
Lately ni, I noticed I've been more online on WoW, and been neglecting on focusing on myself. I've been distracting myself. My room's a mess, my desk
Bila aku tengok balik diri aku ni, macam banyak je benda yang aku nak buat. Sampai aku serabut, tak tahu nak buat mana satu dulu. So in the end, semua pun stuck kat 1 level. Aku ni ...
I'm in that void/loop again. Void = empty feeling. Loop = back the same thoughts. I realise that I want a house, but I'm sort of expecting Syam to
How do I get out of this rut? This loop of feeling empty. I'm not sure if it's dangerous to be left alone with my thoughts or is it a good thing. A
This is a rare occasion where I'm up in the middle of the night for my own thoughts. Aufa's surprisingly asleep, she slept quite early. And I also got to sleep quite early, around 10-ish. I got myself to wake up because Syam already made me coffee and I didn't want to waste it. Logged in to WoW for a while and now I don't feel like playing anymore, but I don't feel sleepy either, although I know I'd fall asleep easily if I just laid down. I feel kind of empty suddenly. And naturally, I want to fill in that void by trying to get myself to do something "productive". Things like, I should do Figment, or update this blog's layout, do the BNI poster, do Sumayya. Those are just knee-jerk reaction to not feel empty. My first instinct was actually to journal, but my mind' like, "Oh no no, let's do something else." Haih. I feel like my husband's unprepared. I had this thought magnified today, after seeing the house. Of course, I'm comparing other people's achievements (owning a house, standing on their own). And here we are, with 5 kids and still living with my mom in her house and feeling out of control of our own lives. While it's easier to put the blame on him and feel like he's not "doing" what fathers/husbands are SUPPOSED to do, I realise I'm also not prepared. It just dawned on me that we have 5 kids and we're... not, I don't know... not independent? Looking that I'm going to be 35 years old and he's almost 40 years old and still living with my mom (not paying bills, not contributing to groceries), is just... embarrassing. I don't even give my mom money because... I don't have it. I don't know, is starting our own company was a mistake? If I stayed with Billplz, I'd get RM10,000. Probably would be easier to get a loan. To, you know, buy a house and all. Wait, I have RM20,000 that I can use to pay off my credit card. Then I can stop paying RM950 every month. Of course, that's my ASB investment and it may affect my dividend returns. But without paying RM950 every month, it would mean that I can put more in ASB. Or something else, not just ASB. It's something that I need to plan out, but it does give me a glimmer of hope. Hope from what, tak tau, but I do feel a bit better. Like there's a light at the end of the tunnel. I think I have about RM12k more left to pay? Because my available amount to spend is about RM7k. ASB: RM21k Credit card: RM12k+ ASB loan (1 year): RM6.8k Total: RM19k Total saved (1 year): RM18,240 Credit card monthly payments (12 months) + ASB monthly payments (12 months) (950 x 12) + (570 x 12) = (RM11,400 + RM6840) = RM18,240 If I do this, it would mean my ASB investment will be back to square one, but for the whole year, I'll be more financially unburdened and will (hopefully) feel emotionally stable/free. Just need to run the numbers. Now,
So I came across some Tiktoks that got me to rethink my life. Or my feelings.
- Doing something and being good at it. For example, drawing. I don't have to be good at it to enjoy it.
Fuck me. No, it's not an invitation. I am seriously lost. I feel lost, I feel down. I should sleep but I can't or don't want to or not sleepy enoug
H ey ya, how are you? I have not been journaling for a long time. A month. Neither have I had any therapy sessions with Vasos. I don't feel like there's a need to do a session yet, but I think journaling is a long time coming. Nothing necessarily wrong. It's CMCO again, the schools are closed and routine is a getting... chaotic. There's no sense of boundary between work and personal life. I feel tired easily and also feel overwhelmed easily. Which then leads me to feel like not doing anything because I don't know where to start and then me feeling guilty not doing anything. Even though I have a to-do list, I don't seem to have the energy or will, even, to do it. I should probably try to do a schedule, I suppose? Let's see: