So… I realised this morning that I have a habit of over-promising (& not delivering), probably not being able to say no (not on the spot) when it comes to “clients”. It’s biting me back now. How the fuck am I supposed to finish everything this week? (read: this Wednesday)
It’s me… not wanting to look bad. That’s the one issue/insecurity I struggle with. Because if I don’t do it, or if I feel like I look bad, I’d hide from everyone. I guess that’s my introverted side?
I wonder how I can say no, to the people I know. Like Rajini, Rooban, (somehow they’re all Indians).
No, actually even better – I wonder how I say no to them, and I wonder how to actually finish the job on time when I’ve said yes.
And then there’s the logical part of me that’s asking, “Shouldn’t I check in with Rooban first?” Like, the last time I submitted the update was almost 1.5 weeks ago, and he hasn’t gotten back to me. Then I left BNI. I don’t know if that means whatever work I have with him, he’d drop it. And he hasn’t gotten in touch with me either since. So I don’t want to do the work without knowing if he still wants me to continue. Actually, it’s not that “I don’t want”, it’s “I shouldn’t”.
But the majority part of me wants to finish it FIRST before asking him. Because I feel bad. Bad bad bad. And to me, it is a representation of me. I feel like it is, and I believe that it is a representation of me.
So aku ada rasa takut, nak tanya dia when the site’s still not done. But at the same time, I don’t want to spend my time working on something that’s not happening. I’d rather compensate him back his money.
How do I move on from here? Let’s look at it from the business side. Do I still owe him deliverables? Yes, but is it proportionate to what he’s paid me? I think yes. He’s paid me half, and I’ve also given him half. So I don’t owe him anything in terms of monetary exchange. It’s not entirely business side, it’s a part of it la, it’s transactional.
In terms of the business relationship, and what’s at stake for him, then yes, I do owe him. So out of my goodwill, of not letting him sink and to maintain a good relationship, I should finish it up.
I should be the bigger person. I want to bigger the person and reach out to him with an update. Or check in on him. Because this is important for my personal and career growth.
But my feeling and mind toward this project have shifted. I do feel lighter. I feel more open to doing this project. I think it’s going to go more smoothly, with less resistance from my side.
That’s good. I’ll reach out to him today.
On another note: ESI.
This one, I have been doing for a while and I thought it was finished, but apparently, there are more changes. And I haven’t been doing it, although it’s on my planner. I planned to get it done on Thursday, but Datuk already emailed me yesterday night to ask for the changes. Lol.
And I have this ego in me, like, “I’m not going do that now because you asked me to”. Ugh goodness, Dayana. It’ll probably take me half a day to do it (because of how big the file size is). But other than that, it shouldn’t be a problem. I think I’ll do it tomorrow. I’ll reply to the email and say tomorrow.