I wonder why I’m more focused or prefer (maybe not consciously, but it happens frequently) doing jobs or favours for free, aka “helping”. Or I do something without asking for payment.
After some thought (not really, but it’s obvious now through my therapy sessions), I’ve come to a conclusion that it’s because I don’t see myself as valuable, worthy and equivalent of those adjectives.
So when people ask for favours, I guess I feel like:
- I’m helping them (valuable)
- I know how to do it (smart)
- They don’t know how to do it nor do they have a measurement of “good”. (confident)
- Even if they don’t think it’s good, they don’t know what they’re talking about (smarter)
But if they start asking for changes, then I get irritated. Why are you not grateful? (needed) Don’t you think I have something else to do? (important)
Omg. These are the things I want to feel about myself.
I don’t know why with paying clients, I feel dumb.
Well, to be honest, it’s because I compare myself to Syam. And when I’m doing favours, he can’t say shit. Because it’s entirely up to me. But I’m probably wasting time.
But do I feel fulfilled? For now, yeah. If Ragu starts asking for changes, I’ll probably regret it. I’ll feel that way because I think he doesn’t respect my time. And also because I’ll think that I could’ve spent that time working on my business, finishing up other pending stuff.
Now I want to feel valuable, smart, confident, needed & important. I want to remind myself I’m already all those things. Everyday.
This is not over yet, I still feel like there’s a lot to uncover. But I’m sleepy already, I’m going to bed. We’ll continue this tomorrow.