Resistance

I feel like I did nothing today. And that may be true. I can’t remember what I did that was meaningful today. I just know I didn’t do what I planned to do. Work.

I’ve identified the source of laziness. I wasn’t lazy. I was resisting. I was resisting the work. I don’t know why.

The other day I realised I didn’t plan my days properly, and that’s why I would stay up late to compensate for not being productive.

But now that I’ve planned my days, I didn’t follow through. I’m resisting.

What did I do today?

Let’s see… I sent the kids, got back around 9:45 AM. Had breakfast. Watched Netflix (Spycraft) while crocheting until 11-11.30 am. Updated 121 my sheet. Contemplated doing a presentation for 121. Took 20 minutes nap. Had lunch at about 1:15 PM. Was going to do ESI. Got that call from Camcy. Had 121 at 2:30 pm – 4 pm. Baring about 15 minutes. Finished up chicken skin while watching a movie. Took a bath at 5 pm. Pam susu 5:15 pm. Out of the house at 5:45 pm. Reached home at about 7 pm. Brag meeting at 8pm. Dinner at 8:45pm. Put Aufa to sleep 10 pm. And here I am.

No wonder I feel like I’ve done nothing. I feel bad just listing down these things.

I don’t know why I’m resisting and procrastinating. Tomorrow aku nak kena hantar dah kerja tu. It’s not like I don’t know what to do. Aku pun tak tau la.

I don’t know what role I want to take up. At one point, I like the managing part. Sometimes I just want to hide and do behind the scenes work. Is it because I’m supposed to have my period, my hibernating stage?

I want to get systems done, in place for 7thlumen so that I don’t have to do design work. I want to find someone who is going to do:

  1. Design (photo manipulation and layout) x2 (one senior, one junior)
  2. Sales person to find clients and do proposals (business development) x1
  3. Account exec to handle clients and suppliers x1

What’s their expected salary? What are they supposed to do? Where should their skills be? How would their personality be? Where should we work? What systems should be in place? How do we keep track of work, deadlines and revisions? How much do we need to spend? How much do we need to take a loan? How much should we get back from this investment? What would my & Syam’s roles be?

Why am I resisting? I know I’m resisting. How can I overcome this resistance? I want to overcome this resistance. Help me overcome this resistance. Let me be energetic and eager. Let me hold a clear vision of how I want my future to look like.

I wonder how I can overcome this resistance?

What do you think?

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