I was at a yoga class. Rumah ada kayu2 trainer mat salleh laki, kurus, tua (beruban) macam cult leader pun ada haha. There were two groups, one on the other end of the main hall. My group was either done or waiting for our turn, because we were sitting on the floor around a long wooden coffee table.
There were other people. I think ada lagi mat salleh pompuan kot. Interchangeable mat salleh ni ngn cikgu2 SKSH. Pakai tudung & make up style cikgu sekolah.
One part dia ckp pasal PDPR. And how nak submit kena at the classroom which is easier for parents but not the teachers, sebab tukar-tukar tempat. And sometimes if at the other place, susah sebab tak vac. Ira (my schoolmate) whispered asking me if I’m already vacced. I so badly wanted to tell her no, but I didn’t want anybody else to hear. I was hesitant “err eer”, then I said “jap lagi jap lagi”, b ecause there was something we needed to do.
I felt I didn’t want to be left out. I wasn’t getting attention, I was just there and I didn’t like it. I wasn’t angry, I was desperate. Like, I want to be in that conversation too. Please include me too. Please ask me, I have so much to say
Then the class was over and everyone left. That’s when I wanted to tell her that I’m not vacc, but it’s like she forgot about it already and I couldn’t find the right moment to say it. Then I think we went out for a ride in her car, a small car with an open sunroof. The instructor came along too. And at one part of the road, there was 2 orang gila, each holding a bag full of dried leaves on the road. We thought there were crossing the road because they were facing the curb. I don’t know why we didn’t go around them from the back, we went in front of them, which was really narrow. It was scary. And they threw the dead leaves into the car and it was fun actually. We started laughing, but the instructor wasn’t too happy.
We’re back at the house. Ira wanted to drink (she was pregnant btw). So the instructor asked us to come with him into the kitchen. Again, I felt panic takut kena tinggal. It was a really nice house. It was a cobbled stone floor. The counter is a mix of painted wood (bottom half) and the surface is wood. A lot of natural light coming in. It feels Tuscany-ish (Never been there. Although my first thought was Greece. Also, never been). So we went through the kitchen to another room that still connects to the main yoga room and he poured water for Ira and me.
But my cup was really flimsy. It turned out I was using a bottle/thermos cover, but it was almost paperlike. It didn’t hold shape properly. I could still drink from it, just not stable. Like how the kid’s home pool that holds up when there’s water. So we tried to find another cup but couldn’t find any. He said there were more but still in the boxes. He only took out one because that’s all he needs.
I went back to the front. Ira was lying on the floor. Her stomach was acting up. And she tengah berkerut and tahan sakit. Actually, she looks like Ira + Rozana (both schoolmates). She definitely has Rozana’s vibes. I think I tried to tell her or wanted to tell her about hypnobirthing/gentle birthing (just wanted to help her from my experience). But I didn’t. Either I thought she wasn’t interested or I thought it wasn’t a good time.
Eventually, I left. And somehow I lost my bra? So I wore my grey Uniqlo mesh jacket and hoped my nipple didn’t poke through. It didn’t.
I walked out. Then I’m at another kitchen, tengah lepak at an island counter, drinking tea or something. There was me and two other men. I think including me, there were 4 people. But the other person is sitting on my left and my back is facing that person. So I’m not sure who he/she is. I’m facing these other 2 men. I think one of them it’s Syam.
I definitely feel more at ease and comfortable in this kitchen as compared to the yoga centre when I want to be seen equally.
Anyway, I wanted to tell about the orang gila story and I was excited to do so. So I started saying something like, “You know what happened?” or starting a story. And that Syam entity cut me off and said something snarky like, “Tak, tak tau” or something rude that stopped me completely. The other guy next to him laughed, both of them thought he was being funny.
But I was really really hurt. I felt the hurt until the waking world lol. I just said, “ok, takpe la”. And I got up and walked away from them to pick up a towel to go to the toilet. I shed a tear (when I wasn’t facing them). And they were looking at me like, what did I do? idiots.
Maybe Ira/Rozana is not the actual person I’m dreaming about. Maybe it’s the demeanour is that I should pay attention to. Or my feelings towards these people.