Aku bangun pagi ni, mood tak elok sikit. I guess it was my own fault for going through social media & WhatsApp messages the first thing when I wake up. Heh. Well, it’s a habit I would like to cut down on. I’m actually pretty happy not going on WoW anymore. Or Discord. I don’t feel bad anymore. I feel liberated, actually. But I do feel bad about buying that laptop. I asked for that laptop because I wanted to play games on it. But I’m at a better place now and to be honest, I’m not too happy with that laptop now. Now that I’m not using it for games, it’s really not as intuitive and easy to use as a Macbook for work stuff. I guess that’s an energy leak for me. It’s far less superior than an Apple product. But, it’s Windows, so I guess that’s a plus for diversity?
Anyway, I got some stupid messages from BNI members. Jessica minta adjust gambar bagi nampak satu badan. I told her no, I won’t do it. I’m proud of standing up against her, but at the same time a bit scared. Had to change her tagline as well, when she was the one who filled that up like that. Then Ben’s asking me Jone’s & Jessica’s posters, like dude, I sent all yesterday. It annoyed me so much. Why’d you guys thumbs up and thanked me yesterday after I sent it? Omg, I’m so pissed. I feel like quitting BNI.
Honestly, I don’t know why. There are times when I feel like this. Very strongly towards either side. Like there’s no middle ground. To be honest, do I want to be in BNI? Is it benefitting me? Or is it just the whole current situation now that’s making me like this?
Yeah so this morning I saw some comments showing support towards KJ. Clearly, they are ignorant. Young and dumb. But it’s only 2 people, I get so worked up. I didn’t speak up, someone else did.
Somehow I’m not comfortable being in the limelight. I’m not comfortable being the hero, the face. I prefer assisting. I don’t want credit? I don’t want to be publicly criticised? I’m weak? I’m too fragile? I don’t want to be heartbroken? Is it because I’ve had enough?
I don’t want to tie it back to my childhood experience, because it’s silly, to me. I think I’m ok. But I can’t remember my childhood. I don’t remember the happy parts much. Happy parts with my parents. I don’t remember the emotions. I don’t remember the happy emotions. I remember the sad, traumatic ones. I don’t remember happy emotions, I remember the sad & traumatic emotions.
Like when Papa burned my bantal busuk. When I got hit, let’s call it as it is la, it’s abuse. When I got abused because I don’t know, I lost my shoe? Water bottle? I can’t remember. But she always picked me up late. I used to sleepwalk. What if sleepwalking is just a sign to run away? I guess a lot of the things I’ve worked on when I doing the Lucky Bitch sessions. I had a lot!
I feel like pooping now.
I’m not done crying it out, though