Money Love Story: Using Your Fear

Part 1: Poking Around

When I think about money I feel confused. Do I want it or not?.

Money is fundamental, and a bit scary. But’s also freedom.

If I had $100,000 cash I would pay debts. But then I feel foolish to do that. So to be honest, I don’t know.

I feel excited about money because I don’t feel excited. I feel confused, like a mix of feelings about money. And to honest, I don’t like it at all.

If I didn’t have to think about money I would probably be bored. That would mean I have everything, right? I would travel, buy yarns, stationeries. Oooh, buy a house where I have a designated hobby room and I can take up lino carving & print. So I guess it’s not that boring. I would probably also pay back my dad’s debt and take care of my siblings, but I don’t feel too good thinking about that. I just thought I had to be ethical as well. Plus it’s what Islam asks, right? Help the ones nearer/closest to you.

The one thing holding me back financially is motivation.

I feel challenged by money because I don’t really know what I’m supposed to do with it. Do I save it, invest it, set up an inheritance fund for my kids, spend it? What’s the right thing? Is there a right thing?

If money were no object I would love it, hug it. Doesn’t make sense, but that’s what I feel like doing. Expand my interest in crafts. Buy a house and renovate and decorate it to what I envisioned.

I feel like I’m adding the most value to the world when I share my knowledge about thought work, self-care and me times especially.

If I had $500,000 cash I would feel a bit intimidated (knee-jerk reaction). I’ll put it in a bank account until I decide what I will do with it. But that’s hoarding, and fear of losing it or making the “wrong” move with it. I’ll take some to spend – buy new clothes, food, games, etc. Then I’d obviously put it in some investment somewhere like mutual funds or something.

The time I felt most valued was when TK was telling a few people at work that I was the only one to get a few salary increments in one year. This was a struggle for me to find, and even as I wrote that I was unsure. I realise I was trying to find the time my mom judged me as worthy, and I couldn’t remember any. And I know I’ve been perceived valuable by many of my colleagues and friends, but I’d find reasons (internally) to not accept it.

If I had $1,000,000 cash I would run out of ideas of what to do. I can’t buy a house yet with RM1 million, it’s not enough to buy the house that I want lah. But I can buy other houses and rent them out, or stay for a bit, just to get out of my mom’s place. If I buy 1 RM700,000 house pun, I’d put a 90% down payment which is RM630k, and the remaining would go for fixtures and decorating.

Money and I get along like siblings? Bila kau takde, aku panik. Bila kau ada, aku biar je kau.

What I find interesting about money is having a lot, and not spending it is dumb. Yet a lot of people judge us if we spend, labelling us as spendthrift and comparing.

What I feel scared about when it comes to money is I don’t prepare enough for my kids. The debts that I currently have that they would have to deal with.

I really wish my mom would take care of the money thing for me.

The most expensive thing I desire is a house that feels like a resort, in the middle of Hartamas or surrounding areas. With plenty of rooms for my kids to sleep, study, have hobbies.

For me, money is like air that we breathe in. Flowing.

My mom was clueless and extremely generous when it came to money.

My dad was also clueless and made bad decisions when it came to money.

The biggest thing I worry about when it comes to money is people taking advantage of me. But I don’t have that many friends anyway, so… nothing to worry there? Oh but there is one. 

The one thing I’ve never done because of money is living independently with my kids and husband.

Part 2: Analyzing Your Thoughts

  1. What words or themes did I repeat in more than one of my answers? A house.
  2. What answers surprised me? Being intimidated having 500k and most valued
  3. What answers made me sad? When I had to find the time I felt most valued
  4. What answers made me happy? The most expensive theme I desire
  5. How do I feel right now right after reading through my answers? Clear, slightly sad. Slightly energized.

Part 3: Identify Your Doing Fear

What is the thing you’re most afraid of doing right now?

I’m most afraid of moving out and living on my own.

Part 4: Moving into Doing

I’m most excited of moving out of my mom’s house and living on my own because I can have the decor I want. I can utilise all the space in the house. I’ll be free and not having to worry about my kids making a mess or screwing things up. I don’t have to deal with the weird smells from Aida’s room. Our maid can work 100% for us. I can have the kitchen for my own to explore cooking. I’ll know what’s in the fridge. I’ll know if what’s in the fridge is for us to eat or strictly for Aida or her friends.

Me and my husband won’t have to worry about parenting our kids. We don’t have to worry about external influences that can override our methods. We can monitor the food we feed our kids. We’ll feel and be more in control of our lives and kids.

The kids can have their own beds to sleep in. We can have a piece of land with real grass.

I will feel so relieved. No doubt it will be tiring, but it will be fulfilling. To have a house to care for and not just to live in.

It’s just so freeing. Seronoknya!

What do you think?

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