I think there was a lot of confusion, mixed messages about money as I’m growing up. Even though I don’t feel like I’ve achieved anything extraordinary when it comes to money, I was pretty proud when I was offered increments in my previous job at Tribal & Billplz. I felt valued, important.
Although now, I’m still having trouble pricing my services. Anyway, aku rasa macam dah lari from what I’m supposed to write.
I guess I kind of know why I don’t like lending money. Lending money, to me, is as good as gone. I think that comes from my dad. His behaviour of borrowing money.
I think the mixed message is also coming from my mom – she spends lavishly and recklessly but would nag and say that we’re not rich and that she doesn’t have money. Which is totally the opposite of what she’s doing.
But the good thing now is I’m comfortable with debts. I think some debts are necessary. I think it’s fine, as long as I don’t feel suffocated. Which I did, just only a few years back. I was anxious with debt and desperate to clear them off, only to make it again after clearing it. But my relationship with debt and commitments is better now. There were thought works that I did, and therapy sessions.
I do believe I still have a blockage. Maybe not blockage, just… tangled mess of what I see when I was younger. Growing up.
Oh, and also, because of how my family is rather greedy with money, I didn’t want to have anything to do with it. I thought I could find my own, and that I don’t need them (but I do). Which is probably not healthy, because I think that I have to do it all myself. Which makes me resentful and tired.
I remembered trying to salvage my BSN account because I thought I had RM90 in it, but the account wasn’t there.
So to end this, I guess my one good thing from the first part is my relationship, perception of debts.
Oh, and I bought a house, right. And I was so proud of myself. I needed to get help, but it’s ok now.
I realise that I would like to think that I’m smart, that I’m making the “wise” choice. To invest, to rent out a house, mutual funds, stocks. But sometimes I’m not sure. It sort of, to me, feels like a feel-good thing. Something I do to feel smart. But i may be wasting my money because I don’t follow up or know about it.
My perception, views, about money and debts has definitely changed. Only now, I want to manifest other things, other tangible things like my own house. But I’d feel.. scared, because I don’t have that money. Because the house prices here are high and it’s normal, but I can’t afford it.
I don’t want to use that word, but the fear is real. It’s already real. I’m afraid that I’ll manifest the “unaffordability” in my life. But the fear is already there. That I can’t afford it. There’s really no reason to push it away.
It’s really uncomfortable. I have my shoulders up and tense but I need to feel it. I need to let it sit with me.
I have the “unaffordability” mindset at the moment. And the universe is just giving me what I vibrate out. Nice. Nice finding, I mean. I’ve also not realised I have that.
I know I can afford stuff. Other stuff. But a house is a mountain.
I’m having 2 big yawns. Releasing the negative thoughts.
I think I’m also doing Part 3 in this one writing. Part 3 is to shift my perspective.