It’s been 2 days since I last journaled. I think that’s a good improvement, considering I’ve been skipping 5-7 days on average. I would like to make it a daily thing again.
So, I think something is trying to tell me something. To help me manifest something? Because I’ve been presented with LoA and manifesting podcast episodes on Nicole Byer’s podcast, which is not what I would expect. But, um, I think it’s a good thing?
Syam has started to dabble in painting these Warhammer figurines. And he’s sharing my desk with me while he’s doing it. So I’m hoping that he realises that we need more space, and will actively find a house to stay in or to at least think and ACT on ways to get a house of our own.
But I’ve heard somewhere that hope is a dream/manifesting crusher because it gives a false vibe. Because when you hope, you yearn, it’s desperation and usually with the thought of how I don’t have that thing that I want, and I feel bad. Instead of hope being a motivation, it could backfire.
Speaking of owning a house, I was bingeing this interior designing show on Netflix. And somewhere along the way, I got bitter. I got bitter towards the couple that owns the design company. I don’t know, maybe because they’re about my age (~2 years) and they have a big ass house and a company of 50 people. Somewhere down the line, I was criticising how the houses are too big, wasteful, Americans are weird, etc.
But then I came to listen to one of Nicole’s podcast episodes with a single mom who teaches LoA (Francesca Amber). And she was saying how she’s happy being single. And she would look at couples at the beach and start criticising them, like how they weren’t meant for each other, being single is the best, yadda yadda. Which is what I was doing. Then she proceeds to say instead of doing that, she now just imagine the love and how nice it is to be in a loving relationship. Which I know I would have to do as well.
And she was explaining why she thought being single was cool, and it was because after her mom divorced her dad, they would have fun times with other single moms. And she would look up to her mom and be so proud, and then 3 years later her mother remarried to another asshole. So the memory stuck in her mind.
Makes me wonder what’s mine. I know that I definitely have a blockage when it comes to manifesting a house. Because I can’t even bloody visualise my dream house. But that’s not true, actually… I did create a dream house in The Sims. But there’s still something stopping me!! Maybe… because I need to be taken care of? Maybe because I’ve been moving too much when I was young, that I settle here?
Nah, that doesn’t make any sense. I don’t feel that all.
Maybe I think I’m not ready. To take on the responsibility of actually being responsible for my own house and kids. Yeah, that’s definitely it. It scares me to think that I would have to manage my young children on my own (with my husband, of course). I mean, without the maid.
Come to think of it, I probably just need a maid. Because the routine is – kids have breakfast with the maid before preschool. Essentially, I just need a maid. To clean, do laundry and stuff. So I can just focus on the kids.
Then there’s cooking. Well, I can cook. Or I won’t have to. No biggie. But I choose to, I got older kids to help me cook. So there’s really no issue. Yeah, there isn’t. Now I’ve written it down, it’s just me making my situation like it’s a big boulder that I have to carry on my own. That’s certainly helped clear a lot of the blockage.
I can do it. I am able to do it. In fact, I am doing it. I’m so ready to own my own house. For the kids to grow in, for me to grow in. For the family to grow in.
Thank you. I love you.