The Endless Loop

I woke up this morning, before the kids are up. That’s quite rare nowadays. I was actually a bit sleepy, but I didn’t want to go back to sleep.

Something’s wrong. But maybe because I haven’t been paying enough attention, I don’t know what’s the problem. Or maybe I know but I don’t want to acknowledge it. Rambling lol. I think about a lot of things. Actually, no. I have a lot of thoughts running around in my head. That’s the difference. One is I deliberately do the act, the latter is letting it pass by and may or may not affect me.

One of the things I was thinking of was the ESI job. It’s really not hard. It’s just a damn moodboard. Two moodboards. But I didn’t do it. I had 2 days to do it, but I didn’t do it. It’s funny, really. I think I give myself too much credit. Leniency. Or maybe I’m just not interested. In 7thlumen. In doing “career” work.

I mean, it took me so long to do Devan’s presentation. Or when I’ve called some people or did the invoices for 7thlumen, I feel like I’ve done a lot of work already and I deserve to get a break or a pat in the back.

Again, I feel like I’m not doing actual “work” with 7thlumen. I guess I feel bad for my husband. He really does everything. Or at least it seems like it. You know, how you usually don’t feel like you do enough? Maybe that’s the problem right there. Maybe all these self-care thing is bad. For companies.

Ugh. It’s a fukcing loop.

I guess I need a boundary again. I mean, I can get myself to do work. I’m not making sense.

I guess what I want to say is, how do I motivate myself to work?

You know, I want money coming in the bank, but I don’t want to do the work. I want money, but I don’t want the client. I want the pre-job, the brief and stuff, but I don’t want it to go through. Which doesn’t really makes sense right. I want money, but I don’t want it to go through.

Is it that’s some kind of thrill? I want it easy. Is it? But I don’t mind sewing. I don’t mind knitting for weeks for a bit of money.

What is wrong here?

I don’t like design work. Is it? If it is, then I know the solution – hire a designer. But Syam would have a fit because we don’t know if Era/Jasmine is going to continue. Syam doesn’t want to do small design works. But small design works are what we’re going to get if I stay in BNI. Or from my friends.

I want to get Figment up and running, but I don’t have space.

I’m thinking of obstacles now. Of why things can’t happen. It’s been there always. I just bury it.

I do want to pull away from 7thlumen. I don’t want to do design works. I don’t mind websites, I like coding. I don’t like design because it’s guessing what other people like. With code, I do what they want. With knit, I do what they want. I don’t mind design, if I know what I’m supposed to do.

Basically to me, design is exhausting.

I don’t want to do it. And yet, I have to do it.

Why are all my kids awake now..?

What do you think?

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