4 days since I last journaled, I have a lot to say. At least I think I do. I have a lot that I thought about, that’s for sure.

Yesterday Faliq doodled on the dining table, where Syam did his work, with a Sharpie. We didn’t even know about it. Mama bising la, of course. Tapi sebab it’s Faliq, tak marah sangat lah. These kind of things stresses me out. I don’t mind as much when my kids draw on the walls and things, because they’re kids. It’s bound to happen, we have 5 kids! It’s not easy to keep an eye on all of them. (We only have 4 eyes).

I truly believe we’ll strive better when not in this house. Why?

  1. Because we have no one to rely to.
  2. We won’t be as stressed or tight
    1. because it’s our own house
    2. because we won’t have to jaga “barang” sangat
    3. because the kids can be kids
  3. We won’t have to pretend to like all the food
  4. We won’t have to see the biasness
  5. Tak yah dengar random bebel dari Mama
  6. We’d have proper rooms to sleep, work
  7. The kids can’t go running to Mama all the time.

It might be tiring sebab takde maid, but really, other than the laundry and washing the dishes, the rest we do ourselves kot. The maid doesn’t mop, vacuum or clean the toilets.

But as I’m typing that, I feel bits of fear creeping up. Doubt. Asking me am I sure I can be on own? Either way, I have to. This house is not a suitable place to raise small children in. It’s too big and if I want to raise my kids to be independent, this is not the place. If I, myself, want to be independent, this is not the place.

No doubt, we’d need to spend a lot for the initial moving – beds, tables, cupboards and dressers, sheets, tv, washing machine, dryer (or not), sofa, chairs, kitchen utensils, dining stuff.

We can loan from 7thlumen about RM50,000. That’s enough. I’m going to start listing down things we’d need to buy and find where we can stay.

This is not actually a thought download. Because I still feel heavy, my head still feels heavy. But this is a start.

What do you think?

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