35-fucking-years old

Today is my birthday.

And I immediately cry after writing that. I don’t know why. And almost immediately as well, I tell myself to stop it.

I didn’t appreciate the nice gesture my friend made, I didn’t like my sister calling me to wish me Happy Birthday. I don’t know what I want. My husband asked what I wanted, and I said I wanted to move out. But of course, that wasn’t what he was expecting. I couldn’t even ask for a cake. A present.

I’m crying even more now.

Maybe I don’t like “celebrating” or acknowledging my birthday because it’s just a reminder of how nothing happened in my life. That I’ve accomplished nothing.

I realise that’s what I want to do, to be invisible. Not getting anything, constantly feeling sorry, “Siapa lah aku ni untuk diorg invite”. Just lurking, keeping silent. Not letting anyone know I’m around. Hoping for them to notice me and invite me and stuff. They have, a few times. But I’m forever giving an excuse to be a recluse. The endless excuses.

Today I had heart palpitation. And it was scary. It wasn’t irregular like I used to have, it was pounding, hard. I don’t think I’ve had that before. And I was doing nothing. I was just sitting, watching TV and Aufa and Fariz. It just came. I don’t know, it might be the lack of sleep or too much coffee. But maybe it’s also because of the feeling of worthlessness.

I feel bad for my husband, he tries to make today a bit more special, I guess. Or at least make me smile. But I’m treating this just like any other day. And when he needs a break, I feel resentment. Although I know he deserves it. Here I am beating myself up again.

Maybe it’s also because today is supposed to be the dateline for buying a house and moving out that I’ve set in my calendar.

But alas, kita hanya mampu merancang. But who the fuck am I kidding? I didn’t even plan shit.

I didn’t do anything.

I was… I’ve been drifting.

And today I’m a year older. And nowhere better than I was last year.

Fucking hate this. Myself.

Why can’t I just enjoy myself?

TBC,

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