I truly have lost sight of what I want to achieve, how I want to live, etc. I have lost the sense of excitement, the spark to keep on moving forward, the drive.
And a big part of me wants to blame Covid. Covid and the fucking fear people have around it and how the media perpetuates it even more. And also how to government is feeding the fear as well. Of course, I blame them. I blame all of it.
But the thing is, there’s not much I can do about it. They’re millions, and I’m just one.
I spend too much time on social media. Just scrolling and scrolling. Consuming nonsense trying to “feel” happy. I think I prefer to watch random or strangers’ videos rather than the people I know, because then I’ll start comparing. Their life to mine. And because it’s people I know, I would get bitter. I literally have nothing nice to say about anyone at this point in my life. I would find something for me to diss that person (internally, of course), to just somewhat justify my lack.
When I wrote (I’ve stopped) my gratitude list, I don’t feel it anymore. I don’t feel genuine. I just feel like it’s a factual thing that happened and there’s no emotion attached to it (even though it is a good thing that happened).
I lost… the joy in life. The spark.
I don’t have the motivation or energy to do anything.
Seasonal depression?? I suppose??
I should start… no, I want to start back writing the list of positive things and try to feel it. Baby steps.