So tadi tu thought download or rant download. I suppose the anger dah dissipate sikit. Right now I’m in self-wallowing mode.
I can choose if I want to be in this state or in a more good feeling state. Of course, ideally, I should want to be in a good feeling state. The question is, am I ready to go to a good feeling state? Or a better feeling than this current one?
I’m tired. But if I lie down, would go instantly to sleep? Or would I go scrolling on the phone until 2 am?
I’m so used to feel not worthy. I wonder how in my uni years, I managed to just ignore other people and post “artworks” on Deviantart. And I didn’t really care what people thought. Even when I knew it was ugly, I still had it up.
Since when did I start to let it affect me? Maybe since I can no longer be carefree. When I start work la, I think. When I had to buckle down and find own money sebab dah nak kawen. Lol
9 years later still takde rumah sendiri lololol. Anak dah 5 still kat sini.
What’s my goal, really? I… lost sight la. I can’t remember dah.
Previously it was 15k monthly income. But I didn’t really know what for, kan? For me to have my own place with my kids. (somehow my husband selalu tak de dalam aku punya visualisation ni. kenapa ya?) Maybe because I expect to do it on my own. But bila nak take action, aku harapkan orang tu ada. Maybe sebab tu tak pernah jadi kot.
Aku nak kencing la, then tido. Lantak la korang semua. Yang aku tau, blanket Kaz dah siap. Alhamdulillah!