Hm

Hi, good morning.

My kids aren’t awake yet, so I thought I’d do a thought download. I didn’t actually want to do it, I spent about 20 minutes on social media.

I have my appointment today. I’m starting to suspect that I’m more than 3-4 weeks in. But I really still am hoping that it’s below 4 weeks. I guess that’s the bad thing about not having obvious morning sickness, you can’t tell. Or I just dismiss things quickly. I’m kind of nervous, anxious.

My heart feels like it’s pounding faster. There’s a weight on my upper chest area. I’m yawning, probably releasing negative energy, which is good.

I’m trying not to think of the what-ifs and “what to do if”s. Because there’s really no point at the moment. I’m just setting myself up to be more anxious even before actually knowing the result.

But, I think, maybe it’s worthwhile to give it a bit of thought. Like Brooke said, play with the anxiety. Make it higher, make it low. I think that would actually be better, rather than pushing it aside and be annoyed the rest of the day. Yawning again.

What if it’s got a heartbeat? Do I still want to go with the abortion? Maybe ask how far along I am. Then check the pictures, lol, to see how big is it. If I don’t think I can go through with it, be ready to go through a whole pregnancy again 😀 And during this pregnancy, I want to make more money to be able to rent a house with my kids. Yeah, I want that. About RM8,000 right, if it’s around the newer parts of Hartamas. The older parts and TTDI would be around RM2,000 – RM 3,000.

If there’s no heartbeat? Alhamdulillah, because that is what I want at the moment. Then it would be very easy for me to go through the whole process (I hope so).

But would that mean that I would then take my own sweet time to rent out a place? To move out of Mama’s house and actually raise my family on my own?

I hate that Syam thinks it’s ok to stay here for so long. I don’t know what’s in his head, really. I want my own independence. Away from my mom. I believe I can do it. The reason why we haven’t stepped up is that we’re having it easy. Rumah dah ada, mama masak, maid ada.

What if ada new baby ke, tak de ke, just find a way to move out.

Ya Allah, please let it be that this pregnancy is below 4 weeks. And help me and my husband find a nice and suitable place to stay and to raise our current children. I understand that this may be push me & Syam needs to move out, but the scare is sufficient, ya Allah.

Knowing my husband, he’ll probably just stay here until my mom kicks us out. I don’t think he has a plan. God, I know he doesn’t. Kalau aku suruh letak duit EPF pun dia bising, kata buang duit. Kelakar lah. Tak fikir panjang betul la.

I’m sad. It’s like when we got first got married. I had my stuff over, but he didn’t even clear out a drawer space for me to put my clothes. I was so sad, I cried. I didn’t feel welcomed. He said sorry.

He doesn’t think ahead. He thinks only after something has happened. Like Mama la. Beli barang, tak tau nak letak mana. Baru fikir. He’s like that. Nak beli TV, nak beli meja, tapi tak fikir nak letak mana.

I will have a talk with him. He needs to realise lah. Lantak la kalau dia nak marah ke apa. It’s a serious matter. Our family matter.

I’m turning 35 in 9 days.

What do you think?

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