Damn. You know, I’m starting to realise things that I probably don’t want to admit. I’m just starting to see signs that I may have adult ADHD (God, it sounds so silly to say it out loud like I’m looking for an excuse to find something wrong with me. I mean, really, it doesn’t serve me any purpose right. Because I don’t want to take any medication. And nothing is actually wrong anyway. I don’t understand why white people like to make it such a huge issue or they like the label. Like, “Oh, I’m special.”)
And I realise that I also that I have anxiety. I don’t want to use the word “suffer” – “suffer from anxiety” – because, ugh, so drama. I’m not suffering from anxiety. I do have anxiety, but it’s not that bad. I don’t go into a downward spiral that fast. I do go into a spiral of negative thoughts and I get tense and make rash decisions. Grammarly says my text sounds worried to my readers, and that is because I am!
I have a lot of racing thoughts. The most recent ones are related to the work that I have, especially for BNI members like Rao and Perumal. I just can’t do it. I keep changing my mind, my kids keep interrupting, I don’t have enough time. I’m too tired by the end of the day. Now I’m not sure if I’m physically tired or mentally tired from thinking too much. But I’m tired. My sleep gets interrupted every night because of Aufa, so I get really tired.
Then lately ni I’m not pooping as well. Constipated and then flatulence. Then I start having cravings and my stomach doesn’t seem to get smaller, so I start to worry if I’m pregnant again! Which I really don’t want. Aku tak larat. Honestly, I can’t do it again. The whole pregnancy, having another small child. I can’t. I need to move on already. I need my kids to grow up so that I can focus on my work.
Now I’m not sure if I’m pregnant or it’s the anxiety that’s causing it. Because apparently anxiety causes stomach issues and emotional eating as well.
And then there’s the “I can’t design thoughts”. But yet, I still take design jobs. Then I can’t do it. Then I beat myself up for accepting it, for thinking I can do it. Making bad decisions. I can’t even stick to one design, let alone get it done. I just feel very bad. Incompetent.
I want to finish up the design works so I can move on and do other things. But it’s taking me SO LONG to finish it up that I just want to give up, quit BNI, hide forever. No one’s going to miss me. There are other members. I mean, my MTL’s pretty bad these last few months and I have absolutely no motivation to do anything about it.
My birthday’s coming up, I’m going to be 35 years old. I’m still at my mom’s place, we’re practically squatting here with our five children. I feel limited in my options and what I can do. I don’t feel like I have control. There’s another higher “power” (my mom). It’s… suffocating me.
I’m having A LOT of weird, random dreams of random people. I can’t even relate to the dreams. It’s so weird and tiring. I want to sleep without dreams, just so I could rest. In one night, I would be having 2-3 dreams.
But I’m grateful for my brain. I’m surprised I didn’t pee on the bed. Many times I thought of peeing and I’m so grateful my brain is smart enough to know that I’m not on the toilet yet and it’s just a dream.
Now, about BNI. I feel like quitting. I’m not sure if it’s because of FMCO ke or what. I don’t have the drive anymore to go find new business or meet up with people. I don’t know what is wrong, something is wrong. I feel like BNI is a burden now. I just want to stay with Aufa. Play with her all day. I don’t mind that, I love her toothless, giggling face. It’s too cute. She makes me happy,
The situation right now is not… I don’t know. I don’t even know what I was going to say.
Yeah, like BNI. If I quit, then it means that I would have to start the business from the ground up again. But I mean, I still have to do that anyway. We only have Jasmine & ERA as our client. Nothing more. We don’t have a staff, we don’t have an office, we don’t have a price list, we don’t have a system. I want to focus on our internal first. BNI may potentially give me small odd jobs, which I don’t want to do. I’ve been putting them down anyway. But for how long, right? Then at one point, they’ll just stop giving me jobs, so why am I still in BNI then? I don’t know if it’s a rash decision or not.
I’m not trying to find a solution here, I’m observing my thoughts. Even from journaling every other day, I thought I’ve let it out. It seems that I haven’t. I think there’s more, but there’s this urge in my body to open up Illustrator and do Perumal’s job lol. In a hurry. I have a BNI meeting soon, anyway. I want to go make coffee and a peanut butter sandwich.
Then I haven’t been praying. I want to teach my kids agama, I want them to do their homework but I don’t enforce it. I don’t cook for them, I don’t clean up after them. There’s a lot of things I’m not doing, so what am I doing? Why am I even here? Menyemak je ke?
I feel really sleepy now.
How does anxiety feel like?
Like creeping goosebumps on my arms and back of my neck, but without that eerie feeling. I feel a lump in my throat and my stomach.