I think I feel empty, I’m tricking myself into thinking I don’t feel anything. When it’s actually the opposite. I have a lot of emotions that I don’t want to think about or give thought to. I suppress. I distract. I think it’s due to the fact that I don’t know what’s causing these emotions/feelings, and I think it’s silly to feel bad because I don’t know the root cause.
But tonight, after weeks of being in zombie mode, distracted mode, isolated mode, I felt tears welling up. I felt like crying. And I did allow some tears to come out, very briefly.
And the news sekarang, is so depressing. Like, social media is not an escape anymore. They’re all talking about the oppression of Palestine, and it makes me more depressed because they’re all saying, oh we need to save Palestine and all that, but no one says how?!? It makes me feel useless and powerless. Like, nak share story je? What good does that do? Donations? Ok, they get some help, but that doesn’t push the Israelis back, right?
I’ve questioned this before, my existence. Our existence. With PKP, and the state of the world, I’m thinking, what’s even the use of trying? Of trying to accomplish things? I might as well just survive day to day. Until I die.
But at the same time, I don’t want to either. I do feel a bit of hope, a “ray of light”, but somehow I manage to cast a shadow over it and feel numb and dumb again. Feel lazy. Procrastinating. Tired all the time.