Masih marah

Aku rasa down lah. Lagi-lagi after what has unravelled in the past few weeks. I feel stupid, bodoh, rasa diperbodohkan.

And then on top of that, aku rasa mcm aku tatau apa nak buat dengan hidup ni lagi. Aku… nak buat apa sebenarnya? Nak buat kawan kat WoW ke, nak buat front end ke, nak buat design ke, nak jual beg ke, nak grow business ke. I’m at that point where I question every thing I do. Almost la. I question the work side of things. Aku malas nak participate in BNI, or to grow business. I want to be a hermit crab and hide in my shell.

Aku lose sight of my goals. In fact, I don’t even know what my goals are anymore. “Buy a house in Hartamas before my birthday” What the hell for? I can’t manage the kids on my own. Haha. I need 2-3 extra pair of hands. I can’t fucking cook. I’m tired most of the time. I got other things to think about. I don’t even have time to think about the kids’ extracurricular activities.

But then again, mana pergi my time?

Apa siot. I really feel like I’m just drifting through life, and I don’t like it.

But I find it hard to face the tough questions and make the tough decisions at this moment. I want to find the strength to pull through this blockage.

I feel so sad. I feel so sad with what has happened. I feel angry. I feel cheated, lied to, I feel like don’t want to give a fuck.

Like, hello, aku mcm “takde mak bapak” when growing up kan. Korang ada mak bapak, bila dah besar ni je mak bapak dah mampos. Takkan tak leh go through the rest of your life on your own? Korang kan berlagak pandai sgt kan. Fine, korang = just one bloody person yang buat palat. Tapi korang semua ah kena because you withheld the information that you knew was wrong.

Pantat.

Tak guna marah kat orang yg dah mampos, tapi aku nak buat apa ngan perasaan ni? How long will it take to dissipate?

Haha, yeah, aku boleh handlekan the finances for them. Gi bukak joint account, gi bukak ASB account, gi hantar kereta service. Aku boleh buat-buat busykan diri. But for the fuck what? How is this all beneficial to my personal growth? I’d spend half a day opening a bank account, not taking into account the number of hours into researching the right options, and to get all the money consolidated. Hantar kereta gi service? Sehari dua, depending on the car’s condition. Dah la duduk jauh.

Babi.

Buat-buat busy untuk orang lain. Walaupun adik sendiri. Pantat apa. Umur masing-masing dah 28, 20 & 18. Serious shit ah takde sekor pun boleh buat semua ni sendiri?

Aku dah la ada 5 orang anak, running my own business, attending networking sessions. And tambah lagi 3 orang anak. Aduhai.

Nazeeha tu pergi amik la lesen weh. Bukan tak de duit. Ei celaka betul.

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