Random marah

Aku rasa marah. Marah dengan keadaan sekeliling. And aku tak nak berdepan dengan rasa marah ni, aku nak distract diri. Main game on phone, bukak tiktok, now nak main game on laptop.

So funny. Aku sebelum ni nak duit banyak dalam bank account. Sekarang, alhamdulillah, belum hujung bulan lagi, still more than half of my salary in the account. I thought I’d feel, happy? Tapi tak de pun. Rasa macam biasa je. Tak tau nak beli apa jugak haha. But now that aku tengok balik, I do feel glad a bit, calm a bit. Knowing ada backup. So if I didn’t use the money by the end of the month, I’ll put it in ASB lah.

I feel mentally tired la. And it affects me physically as well. Rasa nak tidur je. Maybe sebab aku tak address the emotions I’m feeling. I’ve stopped doing the List of Positive Things as well, I might as well list it down here.

  1. Finished Puteri Cili social media designs
  2. Dapat beli & makan bubur kacang hijau & nasi kerabu
  3. Syam looked after Aufa while I work. The kids tak kacau sgt
  4. Still have RM4k in my account
  5. Glad to have people on Discord teman me do work lol

There are things to be grateful for, of course. But that doesn’t deny the fact yang aku angry for a whole other reason. Lol.

About what, aku tak berapa sure. Mixed. But I know one of it is how I don’t think I’m doing good enough as a mother. Of being patient and present. Aku just… rasa nak sembunyi.

Main wow jap ah kot.

What do you think?

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