The endless void

How do I get out of this rut? This loop of feeling empty. I’m not sure if it’s dangerous to be left alone with my thoughts or is it a good thing.

Again I feel lost. Although I’ve just deleted a bunch of stuff on my computer and I suppose I feel proud…? But then there’s still a little voice criticising me because I didn’t finish it all. Like I didn’t organise the documents properly because I don’t know where to put them because I feel overwhelmed? But at least I did something right?

Then I looked at the plan I had to organise the kids’ clothes. Although I’ve already made the list of things to buy earlier, I was second-guessing myself and I stopped halfway.

Then I tried to do layout design for Figment and then I realised I left out some stuff like the cart & filter sidebar and then I criticised myself again so I shut the app down. Because I felt tired.

I looked at the time and decided that it’s best to go to sleep, but here I am.

I’m scared. I mean, I have no financial plan. I can plan, but then I want to plan and not feel burdened, tight, susah. I have kids. What the hell is going to happen to them? How am I raising them? Faiz dah 8 years old. Am I doing it right? I mean, he’s with Mama most of the time. What do I do with him? Adik-adik at taska but his school’s still closed. What the fuck am I doing? I’m tired. Literally. Physically tired. My shoulders, my back, my neck I just want to sleep. I’m sleepy constantly.

When I’m awake I just want to release, to get away so I go on WoW, even though sometimes I don’t feel like it. But I didn’t want to sleep or do nothing, I want to feel like I’m doing something.

Tya dah beli rumah, and cooks and stuff. Cellene too. I don’t know, it seems like everyone is raising their own kids except me.

I don’t know who to blame anymore. MCO? Mama? Syam? Myself?

Everyone thinks I’m living the good life except me.

I sound so ungrateful. I kind of feel bad for thinking this way, but I want to stay in this moment kejap.

This “living a good life” is making me feel like shit. Because it’s just an illusion? It’s what other people see, but what do I see?

I mean, wow. I don’t know. It’s just me. Confirm. There’s just this hole/void, something that is making me feel like this. I have a lot to be grateful for, seriously. And I should embrace it, really.

I suppose I just want to feel like I did something. Acknowledged?

But I do “do” things. Today I vacuumed, bathed Aufa, I went for a walk, I put the clothes in the wardrobe. But those are responsibilities, things that I’m expected to do, so it doesn’t count!

It doesn’t count. Expected. Then when will I be fulfilled? Chores.

I think I see the problem. I want validation? From others?

I’m still defensive.

I don’t know. Do I want to know? Know what? Aku pun tak tahu.

Let’s try hyping myself up tomorrow. After I do any kind of chore, including getting the kids to bathe, I give myself a pat and congratulate myself.

I feel so sad now. But let’s try.

What do you think?

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