Fuck me. No, it’s not an invitation.
I am seriously lost. I feel lost, I feel down. I should sleep but I can’t or don’t want to or not sleepy enough. My thoughts are racing. I body is stressed. I can feel my body tensing for no reason.
Maybe there is a reason, but I don’t know what.
So fucking lost.
I want to cry. But it feels silly to cry for no reason. I actually feel embarrassed to cry, even if no one’s watching.
I feel useless.
I feel like I can’t get anything right. Like, I’m not getting anything right. But what is right? I don’t know.
I wanted a small win. Just to feel better. But I don’t even know what makes a win.
I can’t design anymore.
I feel like I lost touch/sense of myself. I don’t know who I am anymore. But did I actually knew what I was? Who was I before?
Before what? Before kids? Before marriage?
I was a kick-ass front-end developer. I wrote kick-ass and I deleted it because I didn’t feel like it now, but I added it back again because it felt right when I typed it.
But back then I knew I wasn’t going to be a developer forever. But where I am now, I feel like it’s the only thing that made me. It’s like I’m telling myself I’m wrong back then. But… I’m that good anymore. I forgot a lot of things. And I find it hard to catch up again. Or I lose interest. Or I find out that it’s hard now or it’s not like what it used to be, and I get scared and leave.
Omg, I’m such a loser. Quitter.
I got goosebumps typing that. I feel it. I feel sorry, I feel forgiving of myself. Which, I think is good? That I accept myself for feeling low instead of beating myself up about it.
And I feel lightheaded too.
I feel lost. I want to cry.
I’m releasing all these negativity out. So I could feel better. Light. Unburdened.
I still don’t know what I want to do. How to get more money. I don’t know if it’s because of MCO, but I have not been doing anything productive that will benefit me. Absolutely nothing worthwhile.
Catching up on sleep, mostly. Play games. Watch Netflix.
I don’t even want to talk to anyone outside my house. Not even friends.
Do I even have friends. I shy away from them.
I’m not 100% mentally capable or sane or stable. I think.
Facebook fucking sucks. I wish everyone would die. The ones that can’t take a joke, too fucking serious and keep asking public opinion about schools reopening. MF let it go already!
I’m angry. I’m frustrated. I’m sad. I want to cry, but I’m just having short episodes of tears welling up and goosebumps.
What am I doing with my life? I’ve got 5 kids. What future am I leaving for them? What future am I having for myself?
I can’t even wake up in the morning. So tired and depressed. Am I tired because I’m depressed, or am I depressed because I’m tired?
You know what’s sad? That I can’t cry on own because I’m scared of getting caught by my husband and I have to explain to him why I’m crying because he can’t just support me letting go of my emotion. Like I have to have a reason to cry. And my reasons are always silly and he’ll tell me to just not cry. MF! Stop making me feel even more useless.
I’M SO FRUSTRATED. I WANT TO CRY. I WANT SUPPORT