Where the fuck is my money

I didn’t journal this morning. I watched Jim Kwik’s MindValley masterclass intro video, then the kids got up.

But now that I’m wide awake, I want to say that I’m really pissed. I’m really pissed that I don’t have enough money. I’m really pissed that my bank account has only RM150 left, despite Syam having transferred RM500 last week. Yes, I have RM200 cash in wristlet (for emergency cash) and I have RM900 left in my BigPay account, but that’s meant for my “big” shopping spree (not big enough anymore la because I donated to Joey) for after my confinement is over.

I have RM150 left in my main Maybank account, and I fucking hate it. I’m fucking pissed. And I didn’t have to pay any of the usual commitments pre-moratorium. The moratorium’s ending this month, I don’t know how I’m going to fucking cope.

That’s it. That’s just it. I’m pissed. I’m pissed I don’t have a lot of money.

Don’t get me wrong, I am grateful. I’m grateful for all the things that is in my life. In fact, I write it down every night. (Granted, now I don’t feel it anymore, but that’s not what I want to focus on now). I’m pissed at the amount of money left, I’m pissed at the number I see, and I’m pissed at feeling the guilt of spending my now very little money, for something I need (the inner shirts).

I don’t know man. It’s been… a year. My income has just been up and down. 2.5k at Antics, 3.5k at Tribal, 3k at Loki Media, 7.5k at Billplz. Now 5k on my own. I was offered 10k to stay full time at Billplz. I didn’t take it.

Will I break the 4 digit limit? I want to breakthrough to 5 digit income, is that so fucking hard? Oh my God. Just give it already! Just fucking give it already.

I don’t even know what to say. I’m just angry. I’m angry I’m tired, I’m sleepy, I’m pregnant, I don’t know if it’s because I’m hormonal or I’m genuinely feeling this. I mean, of course I feel it. I’m angry. I don’t know all these tiredness and slowness and no idea-ness is really me or me being pregnant.

But whatever it is, I’m still not getting the damn money I want.

What do you think?

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