I’m a fucking loser. I’m doing nothing. I’ve accomplished nothing. I’m just going to give up. Quit everything. Nothing is working.
You judge your husband for waking up and sleeping in late, but it’s not like you’ve done anything useful. You’re not looking after your kids, you’re watching Netflix all the time or Instagram all the time. Your kids have no routine, no structure. And neither do you.
You’re a fucking emotional rollercoaster, forever going up and down. What the hell? I can’t even keep up with you.
I don’t care anymore. I don’t want to care anymore. I don’t want to do anything. I’ll just lie here in the sweat of the heat of the day and do nothing and the highlight and uplifting moments of my day is just bathing and eating.
I’m always just thinking that I need a rest. Every time is rest time for me. What real work have I done? Nothing. Knitting, and that’s it. The rest of the time is watching Netflix. I’m knitting to not feel guilty about watching Netflix. Hey, I’m creating something right?
My previous default would be go straight into reacting mode – where I suddenly get determined and motivated to do all the opposite of the above. I’d start to want to work on 7thlumen, social media marketing, website and all that. But I know better. Those are short bursts. I get excited and driven, then it’ll just slow down and disperse into the thin air.
As long as I don’t get to the root cause of it, I’ll be stuck in a loop. This is not just because of MCO, although the MCO does encourage it more. There’s MCO, there’s because my kids are around, it’s too hot, I’m pregnant, I’m tired, I’m out of breath, I’m nauseous, I need this because the kids are asleep, I deserve this.
They are excuses or “rationale” I tell myself. I try to logic myself into not doing anything. Not doing work.
Quick model exercise:
R: Nothing done.
A: Watching Netflix and knitting while kids are sleeping.
F: Lazy, me time, quiet time.
T: The kids are sleeping, I should take this time to rest.
The action is the result of the thoughts above. I CAN reserve it and make it positive to influence my feeling, but what is the root cause? Why do I think I deserve to lay around doing nothing, rest all the time, be fucking lazy?
Let’s reverse thoughts:
My kids are around. <— this is a fact, a circumstance. What are my thoughts around this fact?
They’re too much
They keep coming to the computer
I can’t focus
They keep calling me
It’s too noisy and distracting
I need to ease in into work
How to reverse these thoughts, man…? Ok, let’s ladder it, get to something that’s better feeling.
They’re too much -> they’ll be around for a while
They keep coming to the computer -> They come to the computer sometimes
I can’t focus -> I try to focus on work
They keep calling me -> They usually call me
It’s too noisy and distracting -> They’re having fun.
I need to ease in into work -> I ease in into work.
Ok, let’s stop here now.
I’m feeling neutral and still not motivated to do anything, which is good, actually. Let’s continue with the JVN doodle. Line it up.