How am I feeling today? I woke up, did stretching, mandi. While showering I remembered I have to get back to Ash on which CG Relief Package I want to take. Syam said let’s take the first one, which means our contract will be extended to September + 42 RMO days = October 2020. Then I thought, oh, I guess we can plan for September. Then I started thinking about the sewing machine & where to get that money. Then there was a bunch of thoughts – exercising, yoga for pregnant women, what to eat today. And then now I’m thinking about what to do today?
My neighbour certainly doesn’t fucking care this whole residential area is not supposed to go out.
I keep thinking that I want to take responsibility about stuff. I want to be more responsible of my income, and that me to thinking, where is my income coming from? I’m starting to realise that maybe I don’t feel like 7thlumen is mine. I don’t have that drive that I used to have when I do Frontend Dev.
Or maybe, I do feel it’s mine, so that’s why it’s easier to slack off. When I was in Tribal & Antics, I was working with someone, and there was this need to be better than everyone else – because of salary (possibility of increment), because of recognition.
But 7thlumen is my own baby, so it’s fine if I fuck up. No one’s going to know. They think I’m doing well.
Crap, this is about me not fully feeling that I’m worth it. Is it? I’m making excuses for myself. And I’m thinking, it’s fine.
What about when I was with Billplz? I was ok, when I was just doing the coding. Then I had to do the web designs, and that’s when I start questioning myself.
There are times when I like doing designs, and I would be proud of it. But most of the time, I don’t. Why is that?
I like coding, I like knitting, I like doodling. I used to a lot of vexel & vector art, and enjoy it. I like coming up with designs for pouch. I like to be in the process? But designing websites or poster is also a process, so how come I’m selective?
At Billplz I was doing the same thing. At Loki? It wasn’t inspiring or challenging.
Maybe that’s my problem. I want something that’s “inspiring”, “big”, “challenging”, and then I chicken out. Hmm.. problem. Let’s rephrase that. That’s the issue I want to overcome, to be satisfied and feel accomplished even with small, repetitive jobs.
Let’s do something small. Let’s doodle, while watching Queer Eye. It doesn’t have to be perfect. Let’s doodle Jonathan Van Ness, and let’s celebrate it.
The objective is, to feel the win for small things. Even for making coffee, or finishing this thought download. Well done, Dayana!