I started the morning a bit differently. I stretched, made myself breakfast & coffee and sat outside eating and staring at the trees. Then only I started to journal. I have to say, it does calm my heart and clear my thoughts a bit. Maybe because my stomach’s not empty or the serenity – no kids running and yelling, no dogs barking, just the morning sun and chirping birds.
I realise that I want to feel slightly happy or good at everywhere I look. Like, if I look at the table, I want to feel good because it’s not cluttered. If I look in the fridge, I want to feel good because I see my cakes and the thought that I’d be able to enjoy it later. I feel like I don’t want to just tolerate anymore. For example, my mom’s hoarding stuff in the guest bedroom. I don’t want to just tolerate the amount of mess and let it be, I want to do something about it. The pile of clothes I wanted to donate but never gave away, I tolerated the space it took. I don’t want to do that anymore.
I want to look at ALL my kids and feel happy/good/slightly better.
I have projects that I started, and then abandon. And then feel resentful and resistant when I “want” to pick up where I left off and start again. Then I give up and try to start fresh, and then abandon it again.
I don’t know why I do that. I can spend a lot of time trying to figure out why I’m like that, OR I can spend time focusing on HOW I want to move on, WHAT can I do to move forward. The latter would be the bigger reward. What SMALL task that can I do today that will give me a sense of accomplishment? Sort the LEGOs. I’m almost done, really.
I’m almost done, but the room still looks like a freaking mess. Here’s what I’m going to do, I’m going to finish sorting the flat LEGOs, put it in their own bags. Then I’m going to take the shoe box, dump all the unrelated toys in the box in to a garbage bag, and use the shoe box to put all the bagged & sorted LEGOs. That way, the room looks organised. Then I can move all the fake LEGOs to one place. So what I need to bring is more ziplock bags. The goal is to make the floor walkable. And then, I will make the bed. Because the bed is also a fucking mess.
Ok, I think that is doable. I don’t want to think ahead of what I’m going to do for the rest of my day. I know I have to do Maryam’s manual and email her, and I also have to come up with presentation outline by 5pm. I’m already starting to feel anxious and my heart’s beating faster as I’m typing the work I have to do. Calm down, do one thing at a time – sort the LEGOs, and then make the bed