RMO Day 8

I don’t want to do it.

I don’t want to do proposals. I don’t want to meet clients. I don’t want to do invoices. I don’t want to do any of the work.

I want to code. I want to draw. I want to illustrate. I want to do motion graphic. I want to knit. I want to colour. I want to journal. I want to write.

All I’ve been doing it just numbing myself.

I hate it. I hate myself. Im conflicting, conflicted. What do I do? Conflicted between what I should do and what I want to do.

But bila I want to start to draw, I don’t know what to draw. Because I want it to be “gempak”.

My initial expectation is always, it’ll be awesome. Then when I start doing it, it’s hard and takes time. Then I give up. And lose hope/faith at the gempak-ness.

I know what the thought should be like. If I lose faith at it’s gempak-ness halfway, then it won’t end up being gempak. I have to keep on believing it’s going to be gempak.

Now I feel resigned. Like tak puas hati. Tak puas hati because I have to keep on believing and keep on working on it. And marah. Why can’t it just be easy? Why do I have to judge myself so much right now? Why do I have to think about what others are thinking? Actually, what they MIGHT think?

The thoughts are:

  • It should be easy.
  • It’ll be awesome
  • I shouldn’t take a long time, because Syam doesn’t.
  • I’m comparing myself to him. A lot of times, I do, actually. But there are a lot of things Syam can’t do, but I can. But I think I feel like he’s expecting me to do his stuff too. But what’s his stuff?
  • Do I want to do branding? I don’t want to do branding. <— thoughts to change.

C:

T:   I hate branding

F:   Resentment

A:   Have a lot of negative thoughts about myself, career.

R:   May or may not finish the proposal

C:

T:   I want to do what I want, drawing.

F:   Better. Creative. Content.

A:   At ease, more open to things

R:   I may finish the proposal

What do you think?

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