I don’t want to do it.
I don’t want to do proposals. I don’t want to meet clients. I don’t want to do invoices. I don’t want to do any of the work.
I want to code. I want to draw. I want to illustrate. I want to do motion graphic. I want to knit. I want to colour. I want to journal. I want to write.
All I’ve been doing it just numbing myself.
I hate it. I hate myself. Im conflicting, conflicted. What do I do? Conflicted between what I should do and what I want to do.
But bila I want to start to draw, I don’t know what to draw. Because I want it to be “gempak”.
My initial expectation is always, it’ll be awesome. Then when I start doing it, it’s hard and takes time. Then I give up. And lose hope/faith at the gempak-ness.
I know what the thought should be like. If I lose faith at it’s gempak-ness halfway, then it won’t end up being gempak. I have to keep on believing it’s going to be gempak.
Now I feel resigned. Like tak puas hati. Tak puas hati because I have to keep on believing and keep on working on it. And marah. Why can’t it just be easy? Why do I have to judge myself so much right now? Why do I have to think about what others are thinking? Actually, what they MIGHT think?
The thoughts are:
- It should be easy.
- It’ll be awesome
- I shouldn’t take a long time, because Syam doesn’t.
- I’m comparing myself to him. A lot of times, I do, actually. But there are a lot of things Syam can’t do, but I can. But I think I feel like he’s expecting me to do his stuff too. But what’s his stuff?
- Do I want to do branding? I don’t want to do branding. <— thoughts to change.
T: I hate branding
A: Have a lot of negative thoughts about myself, career.
R: May or may not finish the proposal
T: I want to do what I want, drawing.
F: Better. Creative. Content.
A: At ease, more open to things
R: I may finish the proposal