I sort of know what I want to thought download about today. About why I don’t finish a project or why I quickly move on to something else. Not just why la, the whole thing.
What was my thought? A lot.
Tak best la.
Banyak kerja la nak buat benda tu.
Rasa excited at just the prospect of it. But bila dah start tu, jadi takde mood. Macam, oh, boring la. Wasn’t what I expected.
Macam Hockademy. Mula-mula nak, bila dah dapat, hmm tak buat-buat.
Kerina nye straws
Tya nye sambal
Planning part, churning out ideas – no, “possibilities” – is exciting. The possibility of what it could become. But bila nak make it become something, I back down? Why ah?
I wasn’t anticipating the hard work? I know there’s going to be work, and at that moment, I want and willing to work for it. But after a while it sizzles out. I think because of the thoughts la. Half way through, I’d think, too long la benda ni, aku ada banyak lagi benda nak kena buat. Yang lagi penting.
And then most of the time, I’d ended up not doing anything.
– I like doing things I already know how to do.
I realise this, because if someone asks me a question especially relating to birth and vaccines or whatever that I like that they can just Google, I’d do it for them and cite it for them. Maybe because it makes me feel smart? Because I know where to look for it? Because I know what to look for to support my cause?
So basically, I wanted to feel good.
And doing marketing, branding and websites designing, doesn’t make me feel good?
I need to go through self-doubt, not-knowing, time consuming and finish it to probably feel good.
So I want to change this.
And intellectually, I know what to do. Or what I should do. But actually applying it would be harder. But I haven’t even started and I already think it’s hard. It’ll be exciting. It’ll be exciting to know what kind of person I’ll become if I get over it. If I cross over this threshold.
I’ll be the person making RM15,000 every month.
Without a doubt.
So, every time I feel scared, or doubtful, or lazy, or procrastinating, or putting off things I will remind myself that I want to overcome this to become a better person. And I accept that I am experiencing those feelings at that moment, I will feel it, and I will let it go through me, and I will let it go. I will not judge me, I will not attach any emotions to it, it’s something normal that a human being experiences. I will accept and not judge myself. And then I will continue working.
That’s good right there. I’m going to put that somewhere I can easily read back.