Void of feelings lagi ke pagi ni? Tak jugak, sebab I feel angry, for a number of things. One, I woke up at 5am but I couldn’t journal because Fariz decided to wake up as well after aku kencing and I had to nurse him for 1.25 hours. I couldn’t journal on my phone because my screen cracked again and I’ve already had splinters in my fingertip from the cracks yesterday night, so I’m no risking that again. Taking the glass shards out was fucking painful. So I woke up early for what?
Then my husband had to turn my dad’s sickness to his own, so he said to excuse him if he seems aloof when I tell him about my dad, so fuck him. It’s not my fucking responsibility to manage his mind, kan? If he’s scared he’ll get cancer by just listening to my updates about my dad, then sama je la macam cina-cina yang kecoh pasal jawi tu. Takut diislamkan. Sebijik lah. But whatever shit la, lantak kau la. I’ll just cry or deal with it myself. Thought i had a rock or someone to depend to la, but I have to filter myself and my feelings from someone i thought I could let out to, then tak yah lah. I have to filter because they might overthink it, then nevermind, I’ll just cry on my own alone. Or suddenly in front of my kids or whatever.
Why does your face (the corners of your lips and cheeks) naturally droop down when you feel sad? When you cry? Is it because you’re meant to open your mouth and wail? Why can’t adults cry like kids? Why can’t adults wail when they cry? Isn’t that what we’re supposed to do? It’s because we’re taught to “man up”. But manning up doesn’t feel good. At least not when you’re ready. Crying feels good. Then after that manning up feels good. After you’ve let it out.