10 days to New Year, crap.

Oh no, it’s 10 more days before the new year. Suddenly it’s scary, because suddenly I’m reminded of the things we have NOT accomplished. Suddenly there’s a feeling of rush to want to do everything. But what’s everything? There’s some stuff I need to do over the school holidays:
– Alter Faiz’s clothes
– Go to SKSH later and get the Std 1 orientation paper AGAIN
– Sew badge on Faiz’s clothes

Bodo Nani kan, dah 3 hari cawan kopi mcDonalds ni kat sini, dia tak buang2.

– Buy IKEA wardrobe
– Write new contract for Hockademy urgh.
– Write name everywhere
– New ERA retainer contract

Now I’m worrying about things to do rather than downloading my thoughts. But worrying is a thought. Oh wait, I think I have a bunch of stuff I want to do thought download. Like moving out, getting more money, cleaning up the wardrobe. About my dad still being sick and I haven’t visited him or call. I don’t know.

Ever since they started going back to the hospital, I malas. I mean, I wanted to try an alternative, but aunty is so fucking scared. I guess in a way I feel betrayed. And I choose not to care so much anymore. Because it’s so pening la, so many diagnoses, so many suggested “treatments” but it’s not that simple kan? People say, oh buat jer la mcm ni, terus hilang (even the damn doctors say this), and then 2 days later, oh tak boleh buat sebab sekian2. So fucking hard to keep up!

If follow Dr Saroja tu jer, ko makan je supplement, ko jaga je makanan, biar badan ko yang buat kerja. InsyaAllah ok. Ni dah la kena IV, kena blood transfusion, kena antibiotics, tak leh nak jalan, terbaring je kat katil. Entah apa update dia. Balik-balik scan la, scope lah. Takde benda lain ke nak buat?

Otak cetek siot doctor2 and nurse ni semua. Serious shit though, memang a lot of doctors are idiots lah. Ikut buku jer kan, tak de nak explore cari knowledge lain.

Malas. (Me and the gomen people)

I suddenly thought about Megat and my nonexistent dialog with him lol.

Is this anger from guilt?

I don’t know.

I don’t want to end this thought download with a sad feeling. I want to feel alive. Today I want to go visit my dad, I want go to SKSH and get the paper for orientation. Go take Faiz’s school pants for altering. Draft some points out for Hockademy. So these are the 5 things I want to do today. Go to Shah Alam and tomorrow ada makan-makan. Let’s put these in my calendar.

And let’s practice new thoughts & beliefs that will help me achieve my goals.

What do you think?

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