Yesterday I finally sat down with Vasos, and I signed up for 10 hours therapy sessions with him. At first he was ok with me going for a deep sleep hypnotherapy to calm my mind, but after talking a while more, he said it would be better if we start our first session with therapy. Me unloading stuff. He said my case isn’t severe, and he suspects that it’ll be easier for it to work with me because I already do journaling and can understand the work faster.
So during shower, I was playing back the conversation we had and I remember that I don’t remember most of my childhood. Like, a larger part of my childhood, I don’t remember. I’m not sure if it’s normal or not, but I know it did bother me at one point, a few years back. I started to remember bits of my childhood when I try, there must be a reason why I remember those and I have no clue about others. I’m guessing because there were strong emotions attached to it when it happened, so I remember?
Anyway, one memory came back to me. It was when…
Oh anyway, Vasos mentioned that suppressed emotions can manifest in other ways, like health. I know this, but I forgot. Until he mentioned it, I questioned that maybe that’s why I have skin issues? My scalp has problems ever since I can remember.
Ok so, there’s this memory of (this is embarrassing for me to type because it’s online) Papa like opens the shower door when Mama was showering and started scolding her and, I think also insulting her and simbah air to her? And Mama was squatting and hugging her naked self, and crying rather uglily. I remember looking at it the whole thing, but I don’t remember what I felt. I don’t think I don’t understand what’s going on, and I didn’t run to Mama or tell Papa to stop. Maybe it happened before, that I think it’s normal?
See, that’s what bothers me. That I’m, what, 4 – 5 years old? And I don’t feel anything at that time? But I must have, because why would I remember it then? I must’ve felt something. Confused? I don’t remember what happens next. I don’t even know how to process that now.
It bothers me, but then what? It’s already in the past, so I can’t take it out on Papa & Mama, what’s the point? But if there’s no point, why does it bother me so much? What do I want to know? What closure do I want? Why it happened? Yes, I do want to know. But who do I ask? Papa’s sick, Mama memang won’t tell lah. But what I know is, I want to stay away from the both of them. I don’t want to have anything to do with them in my life.
I’m probably saying this because it’s the easiest thing to do. Run away from them. Run away from the people who caused me heartache. Run away from the people who I messed up my childhood? Really? Did they? I don’t even know what childhood is like, because I’m always alone, always moving. Never being attached. Get sent away. Kejap dengan Wan, kejap dengan Mama, then don’t know Mama with who, boyfriend ke apa, then Papa pulak, then Mama again, then I just get sent to boarding school yang mak aku pun tak bother nak spend time when she comes to visit. Hantar barang, blah.
Weh, mak aku memang tak boleh jadi mak dow. Ayah aku pun sama.
At least at the time when they had me. Then they had second chances. I guess they did better then.
So should I forgive them for being “first” time parents with me? I have an older sister, you know. But she’s living a more grounded life with my grandma. So I’m the test run kid.
Dennis said in yesterday’s chapter meeting, the victim is always the child. Yep. Yep yep. It’s just that I’ve been blocking everything.
So what now?
They’re new parents. They don’t know what the fuck is going on. They hadn’t had their shit together.
It’s not okay. It’s not okay what they did. It’s no excuse. It’s no excuse for them to treat me that way. It’s not okay for them to be so engulfed in their personal mess that they neglect me. Like I don’t have feelings and shit because I’m a child.
I’m okay to be angry at them. I’m okay to stay angry at them for a moment. I don’t have to forgive them.
But know that I am better than them. I am a better parent than them. No matter how my mom makes me feel, like I’m fucking inadequate, I am still better than them. We are still better parents AND better partners than them.
This is an empowering feeling.
At least I don’t leave my kids ALONE in the house and while I go out with friends. Or my partner doesn’t have to go find me in a taxi in Bangsar with my kid and embarrass me (told me off) in front of my friends.
What the fuck man. What the fuck is that parenting. My parents are lousy parents.
So the feelings I went through while writing this, were: Uncovering, mildly amused, sadness, confusion, questioning, acceptance, anger, hatred, WTF-ness, a moment triumph and redemption. I’ve got no stages. Lol.
I still don’t know what to make out out of this writing, but it does feel a bit better that I’ve cried. I will work on this more.