Flipping my morning mindset.

I feel… like there’s not enough time. Like there’s not enough money. Like I’m making a lot of mistakes. Like I don’t want to go to BNI.

I’m worrying. I’m still not feeling well. My throat hurts. Fariz keeps waking up at night and I couldn’t do the flyers like I had planned. And he just woke up again ugh.

Syam won’t pay attention to other things other than ERA or “his” clients, it’s fucking annoying. Show me some damn respect and start listening my job scope boleh tak. Nak run a company kan. Kalau macam ni baik buat freelance je balik. Said I didn’t include him the quote email. Really? As if I’d do that? He found the email and keep saying he thought it’s only for two options. And asking me if it’s worth it. MF.

I fucking hate golf. And he likes to go off suddenly to play. I don’t fucking mind he wants to go golfing. But I fucking mind it when we have things to settle and that he’s inaccessible during golf. Whatsapp ke call ke, bukan nak angkat. Dari hari Isnin, right after the meeting with Grusonn, I called him up A FEW TIMES to get him do the quote or agree to the price. Ok, ok, ok.

Burit.

I’m so fucking sick of this. Agree, ok, and then when client signs or work starts, then he bloody goes like, eh kenapa macam ni kenapa macam tu. Pay attention boleh tak. Babi betul lah. Masa present to Seran pun sama, SimplySiti pun sama. Ah, everytime lah.

Now I’m angry lah. Skrang nak buat apa la kan? Babi. Memain lagi kan.

His excuse balik-balik sama. No time. Then hire la. No money. If you bloody make time to check quotes and presentations and ask questions to be prepared, you don’t think less mistakes are made, more time can be spared, more money can be made?

I’m deflecting my emotions now, buka tab lain and what not. I’m going to make this post private, considering Tya now reads this religiously. Lol. My bad.

When I thought download, I notice I’d stop and try to find what to write. I feel like brain is empty of thoughts, but I know that’s not true. I’m choosing not to notice the unconscious / subconscious thoughts. Like as I’m writing now, there’s this voice narrating what to write. That’s my conscious thought.

How do I notice the subconscious thoughts? Do I need to notice? Can’t I just plant new thoughts when I think it’s empty? There must be a thought, because I feel down. I feel sad. Even though there’s no noticeable thoughts running around.

Ok, so how do I want to feel today? Of course, I want to feel good. But I need to be specific. What will make me feel good today?
Eat cake. Have coffee. Get money from clients. Start ERA storyboard. Do Rotorniaga invoice. Email Hockademy breakdown & quote.

“Finish Grusonn flyers” is not going to make me happy. In fact, I felt bad just putting it in the same line as the above.

I’ve plotted my day on my calendar, and I’m not happy seeing Grusonn taking a big chuck off my day. All these could have been prevent if he would just fucking listen. And if I had more common sense than to just agree with what he says. I knew it was off, the 2 options. But I sent anyway.

Maybe I’m angry at myself, but I put the blame at him. Yeah. I’m angry at my carelessness. I knew it was off, but I sent it anyway. I didn’t tell him that it was 6 options in total, not 2. It’s 2 each. I should have.

And I guess I should pick up my mistake and do the flyers. But I really don’t want to.

We’re both on defensive mode, now. I need to talk to him and be on the same page with him about this. If he’s not doing it, then I’ll have to do it. And it will take me a longer time than him. Or he does this, and I can start on ERA storyboard. His choice.

Now I just have to be in the right mindset to do these flyers.

T: The capacity to have this work. I will prove to myself I do have the capacity to have new projects.
F: Happy, focused, confident.
A: Creative juices flowing. Sketched it all, and has references. Already have an idea how it’s going to look like.
R: Produced flyers for 3 products that looks like what I imagined, and sent all 6 options to Grusonn today. And next time, no discounts.

What do you think?

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