I hadn’t done this before, thought downloading while still in bed, while nursing. I usually prefer it when I’m sitting and no one bothering me. But I need to journal now. I guess I can do like this every morning. It IS me time to thought download, just not free from hand and not how I imagined it.
So yesterday I was feeling down. Disappointed, overwhelmed, inadequate, stupid. There’s a few reasons why that I can think of.
- I didn’t like al Khayr’s website design. Actually, I’m nowhere near completing it. I’m disappointed that it took me the whole day to NOT finish 2 pages.
- Maybe I feel inadequate when I realise that maybe Vicky may be better at designing than me now. See, it’s so hard for me to accept that thought, I keep using probabilities.
- Which then let me to question why am I even in BNI. That’s also because Vicky the muruku lady keeps saying Evangeline’s work is great and awesome. And Peggy is also meeting her and calling her a good designer and want to do branding. I’m like dude? I don’t know why I’m here? I can’t do shit.
- I feel disappointed at Hanin for not visiting my dad, but come to think of it now, I think there are other things bothering me:
- I feel bad that I didn’t go visit or call or buy groceries like I intended
- Anin was giving bloody excuses like Mama and pisses me off that she’s a bloody mini-her. I mean, I have to deal with this shit again?
- I also feel like I don’t know what I’m doing in BNI and that my 121 sheet & company profile is lousy and not updated and I don’t know what’s my referral.
Hm. That’s it?
Oh there’s also time management. I feel like I’m really slow doing my work. I hate that.
C: T: I work too slow.
F: Disappointed in myself, angry.
A: Beat myself up. Overthink.
R: Not finish work. Slow.
C: Manage expectations about speed of working.
T: This is my speed, and my capabilities. I take a long time to design, it’s something I can improve on. What I imagine will not be the same as I execute it
F: Calm. Confident.
A: Probably still overthink, but I give realistic timeline (to me)
R: Work done, not feel anxious.
So in Kaz’s case, it’s not that I can’t design. I can, but it will take me a long time than I would like or than the dateline. I should’ve been starting coding already. If I want to meet the timeline, i would need to get a template. Seriously.
Because I’m 121-ing today, I’ll be in Rembau tomorrow. That leaves me only Thursday to finish it up.
Template it is. Now I just need to NOT overthink and second guess and think I can do a better design job, because even though it’s true, it would take a LONG time.