TD: Thoughts on Faiz

For now, I want to thought download about my kids. Faiz, specifically.

I’m not proud that I’m always yelling at him, or push and hit him. I lose my patience really easily with him. And I find it annoying when he talks. He talks a lot, and fast that he needs to repeat his sentences halfway because he can’t come up the next word to say.

And I find it annoying.

Like, just shut up. Be quiet. Stop telling me what your brother did to get him into trouble or to make you feel good about yourself. See, I don’t know if that is why he does it. Maybe he just wants to tell me stuff, but I take it the wrong way.

I don’t know, I just find him annoying.

I also don’t like it when he comes hugging, I feel like pushing him away. Ugh, I really don’t know why.

I remember feeling absolute hatred (it was really hard for me to type that, mostly because I’m embarrassed to say it) towards Faiz breastfeeding when I was pregnant with Faiq. Breastfeeding while pregnant is painful, but it’s not that. I just hated him latching to me. I wanted to push him away, and a few times, I did. I even slapped him, I think.

I feel so bad, but that really was what I felt. I felt angry at him every time he wanted to nurse at night.

I can’t remember much after Faiq was delivered, I think it was back to normal. But now as he’s older, I find that annoying feeling creeping back up. I’m not sure if it’s related to my breastfeeding episode or not.

I did a model on this, and I KNOW what I’m supposed to do (I’m his mother, omg, how can I hate my own child?), but it’s SOOO hard for me to follow through.

Here’s the model:
T: He’s big already, he shouldn’t be so annoying. He’s annoying. He doesn’t listen. He doesn’t follow rules. He kacau his brothers.
F: Annoyed with Faiz. Frustrated.
A: I get more annoyed. I yell. I lose patience easily. I want to stay away from him.
R: He wants more attention? Which then the thought cycle continues, “He’s big already, why is he being a baby?” etc etc

I don’t know what to do here.

Like yesterday, he was picking his gums and luka. Had a bit of blood (tinyyyy and he can’t even see it, he wasn’t bleeding or anything). But he made such a big deal of it, sampai nak nangis. I’m like, serious shit? I tried being patient and sympathetic and showed compassion, kissed him on the head and tell him it’ll be fine, but then he goes on again and again about how it hurts and that it’s not going to heal. Omg. Then I lose it la. I become strict, stern, raised my voice because that’s the only thing that will make him shut up. To say I don’t want to listen to this anymore, suck it up, and I do my own thing (tengok phone – ignore him).

What a crybaby.

He’s 6. Yeah, ok, he’s still a child. But he wants to do a lot of things on his own, and then he becomes a baby also. Like, pick one, will you????

I’m so FRUSTRATED. I REALLY AM. I get worked out just typing it out.

But I need to let go (this feeling). I need to understand this feeling, where is it coming from – because I don’t like that I’m like this with my kids. I don’t like that I’m not caring enough about my child. It’s actually not just about all kids, it’s just about 1.

Why do I have this feeling about Faiz? I love the rest. Faiq can be testing (quite often, actually), but I don’t get as irritated as I do with Faiz.

Maybe because I’m confused about his independence?

  • I don’t like that he’s hitting and rough-housing his brothers.
  • I don’t like when he doesn’t respond when we call.
  • I don’t like when we tell him to do something and he ignores it.
  • I don’t like when he watches iPad too long.
  • I don’t like when he gets excited and messes things up.
  • I don’t like that he cries so easily.
  • I don’t like that he talks so much and is suddenly stiff and shy when meeting people.

What about the things that I do like?

  • I like he’s reliable (depends on task)

Holy crap, I can’t think of what I like about him.

  • I like he wakes up easily in the morning.
  • I like he sleeps easily at night.
  • He can take his own water and even ours.

This is making me sleepy. Lol.

  • He’s helpful.

This is hard. And I don’t know what I can do from here.

Wait, there’s a month from Scholars that works on relationship. Maybe I can try do that one.
Here’s a useful excerpt:

Your relationship with anyone is dependent on your thoughts about them.

Your thoughts about them will be dependent on your expectations of them and how well they meet those expectations.


I did the Scholar’s homework day 1 for a while, and I realise one thing: Faiz is kind. He says I love you every night and requests for hugs and kisses. He’s even the one reminding me for “salam, hug, kiss” every night and before going off to school.

I don’t know why I’m so quick to let them all go. Especially Faiz.

Maybe because I have the babies Fariz and Faliq, that I don’t want to layan him as much? I want him to understand that his baby brothers need more attention from me that he does. I mean, he’s big now. Yeah, I understand that he also still needs attention, but you know, the babies are more important?

Haih, that’s not the right mindset. That’s not the mindset that I want to be in.

Just because he’s older, doesn’t mean he’s any less. Doesn’t mean he doesn’t need as much attention.

Sigh.

One step a time, Dayana.

What do you think?

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