Thoughts on thoughts

I have a messy head. Literally, and figuratively lol. I have dry, itchy, flaky scalp that I’ve been picking on for this past week, and I also have A LOT of thoughts running through my head. Seriously, doesn’t it stop? God.

Most of my thoughts, aren’t good. There’s a lot of negative talk, putting down, beating up.

I feel satisfaction when I’ve done work or something, and sometimes feel proud, but I don’t think about it long enough. Or I don’t think it at all. Like I’ve just finished Al Khayr’s landing page and uploaded it to staging. And I feel relieved, satisfied. But I don’t give any thought to it after that.

I should, shouldn’t I? Some athlete said he doesn’t listen to himself talk, he TALKS to himself instead. Because the voices in our heads are really mean. They just find the worst in you.

I know why I don’t post pictures of myself. Or what I do. It’s not because I’m shy or I think it’s a waste of time. I just don’t want people to know the current state I’m in. I let people come up with their assumption about my life. I just give them the vibe that I have my shit together.

But that’s so phony!

That’s why I hate myself more. That’s why I don’t get things done (reach my goals). Because I’m too embarrassed to admit to people (or myself?) that I’m still far away from my goal. That I’m NOWHERE near my goal.

I want to stop using my mom’s money. I want to pay her back. I want to buy new clothes for my kids, sign them up for activities.

See when I write that, I feel sad and contracted and stiff. I feel sorry for myself when I write it. How am I supposed to attract more money if I’m giving the vibe that I don’t deserve it? That I’m desperate for it? Longing. I know I THINK I deserve more money, but my body is giving out an opposite vibe.

It all starts with a thought, so let’s find the thought.

T:
F: Sad I don’t have more money. Embarrassed that I still need to use my mom’s money.

This is tricky. So are the thoughts:
1. I don’t have money
2. I still need my mom as a safety net
3. I do things behind my mom’s back like a child

Does this still have to do with how my mom never praise my as I’m growing up? Possibly. I never did a model on that.
There’s another thing I need to do a model on, and it’s really important that I do it. It’s about my feelings towards Faiz. And why I feel so annoyed with him.

Ok, back to the thoughts.

As I’m reading back what I wrote, I thought to myself why I need to care about what other people say? I’m beating myself up for that. Hilarious. Brooke is right. I didn’t understand at first the thoughts on thoughts podcast, but now I do.

HMM

Could it be, that I’m reacting on the thought of my thoughts?
For example, “I still need my mom as a safety net”. And my thoughts on that thought is, “Useless, tak malu je. Anak dah 4 pun still duduk dengan mak, pakai duit mak. “.

Yep. That’s it.
The mean voice came out. That was hurtful. Even though it came from me.

My thoughts are not me. I am separate from my thoughts.

“Adik ko gaji besar. Adik ko baru kerja pun bagi mak ko duit. Ko? Pakai duit mak ko. Bayar bill pun tidak. Beli groceries pun tak.”

The thought continued.
Again, I don’t know what to make out of these thoughts. But, I managed to separate it from feelings. I managed to look at it from the “Observer” perspective. Really? Maybe not Observer la.

So what do I want to do with that information?
I want to make more money. I want to pay my mom her money back. I want to not be scared of what my mom thinks anymore. I want to be more in control of my life. I want to buy new clothes for the kids, myself and bring them to activities. I want to buy gifts for people.

That feels good, more energy, expanding.
Now I need to act on it.

I have my thoughts, I have my feeling, and now I need my action.

For now I feel like sleeping.

THAT’S WHY I DON’T GET SHIT DONE! (or my goals)

I feel good, then I leave it there.

I think.. it’s like this. Have a list of things I think I need to do to make more money.
Then act on it WHILE having the good feeling, which is generated from the thoughts.

Yep, that’s it. That’s what I need to do.
I need to have a TL;DR version of this.


THOUGHT:
I want to make more money. I want to pay my mom her money back. I want to not be scared of what my mom thinks anymore. I want to be more in control of my life. I want to buy new clothes for the kids, myself and bring them to activities. I want to buy gifts for people.

FEELING:
That feels good, more energy, expanding.
Now I need to act on it.

ACTION:
I think.. it’s like this. Have a list of things I think I need to do to make more money.
Then act on it WHILE having the good feeling, which is generated from the thoughts.

What do you think?

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