I guess I know why I don’t talk much with Syam. As in, I’m not doing most of the talking. Because he incapable of understanding. Dia rasa mcm aku nak attack dia je, and makes decisions all reactively. And it makes me more quiet and not wanting to talk to him.
Maybe that’s why he’s defensive?
Urgh. I don’t want to understand from his side. I want to wallow in selfpity right now because it feels good, it feels calming.
Let me cry.
But then the cycle doesn’t break, right?
Well, why do I have to break it? Why do I have to be the responsible one? Why can’t I be pampered and be a “girl”?
Ugh. I’m fighting so much the urge to use the model on this because I want to feel sad.
Ok. Let’s do the model.
T: He doesn’t and won’t understand me.
F: Angry, sad, victimised
A: Shut down and don’t talk as much. Just let him do the talking.
R: He thinks I don’t like him. He feels attacked. Cannot communicate feelings with each other.
But it’s not MY responsibility to care about his feelings!
True. It’s not. I agree. But his feelings and actions affect YOUR thoughts, feelings and actions, and ultimately, the result in your relationship.
Yeah, I want him to understand me. I guess I have to change my thought to that he does understand me.
But it’s not fair. It’s not fair that I have to be the bigger person.
But he doesn’t know the model. If u apply it enough that he sees you’ve evolved, he might be interested and will do thought work too.
Let’s do a model on the hypothetical thought.
T: He understands me. He gets me.
F: Not defensive, calmer. Supported.
A: Better at communicating to him
R: Being understood better. Better relationship with him.
Ok, he understands me is a bit far-fetched for me to believe.
He wants to understand me.
He is wanting to understand me, but doesn’t know how to ask/show it.
Is that better?
I guess. But I still don’t know if it’s the truth.
You won’t know, but that’s what you got to believe for now.