Am I unworthy?

As I was at BNI earlier today, I noticed some negative thoughts that popped up. And I’m quite lucky enough to realise that it was a negative thought.

I was listening to Brooke’s podcast on Belief Ceilings on the way to BNI, and she said we have limiting thoughts that has been with us for so long that we don’t even realise when we have it. And thanks to the podcast, I started noticing when I’m having these thoughts and I wrote it down. Some of them are:
– At BNI, explaining what I do. I had a question asked, I answered (probably not my best answer), and I thought: “Mesti dia igt business aku x leh pakai.”
– Their goal is 100% green & amber members, belum apa2, aku dh pikir “aku la yg akan red tu nanti”
– I don’t know what I’m doing here
– People are not interested in me
– Sitting crossed arms & legs = uncomfortable, defensive. Why, though?
– I feel like I’m an impostor. I’m not a branding consultant

So from these discoveries, it’s clear that I don’t see myself worthy. Or I’m thinking that I’m constantly being judged. Or that I’m not on the same level as them.
I had the same feelings and thoughts when I was going to see Abang Khalid. I felt like I didn’t deserve his attention. I felt like I was begging for it. I felt like he HAD to see me.

Which is not true.
Or maybe it is?

But the point is, I can’t prove it. I’m just letting these thoughts run wild in my head, making assumptions. And then I try to compensate and I say/act weirdly.

It’s true, I think I’m not worthy of anyone’s time. I think like I need to have something great to be at the same level as them and to be at that level requires perfection. Means that I can’t be wrong, that I need to know all, that I need to show them I am knowledgable.

Which makes me afraid of being wrong, or not knowing.

Honestly, I don’t know where I’m going with this rambling. It’ll probably take a few days to figure this out, but I’m grateful that I caught that thought.

Feels like I’m going to fuck up ASAP. Which then just makes me feel like there’s no use trying. Which then results in… Not having anything, really.
Hmm, there it is. That’s what I need to work on. That’s belief ceiling I need to change.

C: BNI
T: I’m going to fuck this up / this is not going to work for me
F: Indifferent, no use trying
A: Not trying
R: Not accomplishing anything

C: BNI
T: This is good opportunity for me to practice
F: Shameless
A: Meet up, join the programs
R: Make new friends!

What do you think?

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