So I finally have access to my childhood memories

Omg, I was trying to do the forgiveness step of my emotional decluttering process, when I uncovered MORE painful memories in my life. (I have a whole list which I’m not going to post here, but as I was writing it out, there were lot of things that justified my personality).

Which made me realise why I was the way I was growing up. My mother had a totalitarian/authoritarian parenting style. And I think my dad is the Neglectful parenting style, I’m not entirely sure because I don’t live with him. But it does seem like he fits that category.

As the image says, I don’t remember my childhood. I’ve always thought it was normal until my younger sisters (steps, either from different mother or father) tell me their memories when they were kids and I’m like, “How is it that you guys remember this and I don’t?” Since then I’ve been trying to remember, but I just can’t. So I realised it must’ve not been pretty, so I keep it locked away and have no idea how to access it.

Just because we forgot about our childhood when we’re adults, it doesn’t mean that we are okay with it. Forgetting doesn’t equate to coming to terms with it. You just choose to ignore – but unconsciously still affected by it

I remember all the arguments online about beating your child, I used to be one of those people who would say, “I got beaten up when I a kid, and I was fine.” But I was actually not. I just suppressed it. I think spanking is fine, but there has to be a limit, and has to have a good reason. I was beaten up way more than necessary and for the smallest things, it was not fair.

This process of getting the truth out, and feeling it again is very tiring. I’m sleepy from just remembering and crying about it. I suppose I do feel lighter, like a sort of relief. But it is really tiring, and the sadness is still there. I’m not even done with the list yet, I still have about 3 – 4 more to go, and I won’t be surprised if I’ll be adding more to the list.

But it needs to be done. So what Brooke said in her podcast episode helped me to take a step into doing this forgiveness exercise – it was what happened to me, needed to happen.

It doesn’t mean that you condone it. It doesn’t mean that you approve of it. It just means that it is. If you can see things without resistance, if you can see them as just plain reality as something that happened and you don’t attach a story to it, then you can just let it be.

There are no thoughts from our past.

All of our thinking is now, so any painful story that you have about your past is on you. You’re the one causing yourself the pain in this moment. The painful thing that happened to you in the past is not happening, and the reason why it’s still causing you pain is because you’re believing that it shouldn’t have happened. You’re believing that if it hadn’t happened, you’d be in a different place.

She’s [Byron Katie] not suggesting that you believe that it shouldn’t have happened and you forgive it. She’s suggesting that you accept that it should have happened because it did happen.

And I’m grateful for this. It’s like.. when I choose to do this manifesting course, and whenever I come across a stumbling block, there would always be something that helps me move on, like this podcast (and a few others previously). Something WANTS me to move on, it WANTS me to have a better life, and it’s helping me, and I’m opening my arms as wide as possible to receive whatever help it’s sending my way.

What do you think?

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