Doing my emotional decluttering step, and I realised my parents are nasty towards me.
I was really hesitant to do this step.’ I didn’t feel it in my bones, like I didn’t feel heavy or lazy to do it, but I was delaying and delaying it. there would always be something more interesting to do or a video to watch on FB. I’ve slowed down FB for this week, but whenever I want to do the emotional decluttering, I would intentionally open FB to see what’s new (nothing. It’s 6am).
I realised I was resisting doing it because the videos I decided to pause the LuckyB’s course over were NOT the videos I would normally pay attention too. But I decided to play it, and put on hold my manifesting course. So then I knew I really need to do this emotional de-clutter because I’m manifesting distractions to avoid doing it like crazy.
I did some yesterday, but that just scratching the surface. I mostly felt mild anger that just fades away after. It had no real significance. Then I continued after watching the FB videos, and voila – suddenly I had a shitload of painful memories about my parents.
And I realised they’re freaking nasty to me as I was growing up. I can’t recall happy moments for me. There were flashes of good memories but it’s not enough to counter the bad stuff, and usually after that my adult self realises why my parents did that was to cover up something else, so it just neutralises the “happy” feeling .
And after a few lists, I cried. Like, I cannot believe they’re that nasty. I was embarrassed of crying and I tried to stop (must be something they did to me too). But I need to let it go.
I don’t know how to continue with this step. I know there are other things that they did that I hadn’t listed because I don’t remember them yet – but I can feel it. I don’t know how to forgive them and feel genuine love towards them – because they clearly didn’t.
I remembered Aunty Alma telling me that when Papa was in the Philippines to marry her, he cried because he missed me. Yeah, well, that was after the divorce right? When both you & Mama were still together, I was an afterthought. I really was.
At least I don’t forget to pick up my kids at school until way after hours. I don’t leave them alone at home to hang out with friends. I don’t feed them fast food all the time. I don’t just agree to let my child go to live with someone else. I ask my kids if they want to follow me out.
I might be in this financial shit hole right now, but I’m way better than you guys in treating my kids. I’m shaking my head as I’m typing this, can’t believe the nastiness.
Right, I’m tired now.
I came across Brooke Castillo’s podcast episode on Byron Katie, and one of the biggest take away I got to help me move forward with my emotional baggage was that what happened to me, needed to happen.